Trump visit could actually be the thing that stops us all hating each other, agrees Britain

BRITONS have agreed that a visit from American’s evil president next year could actually be the thing that reunites their divided nation.

Surrey farmer Bill McKay said: “Brexit or Remain, Momentum or Moggmentum, we can all agree on one thing: Trump is a dickhead. 

“Whether you’re a trawlerman collecting rotten fish-heads, a farmer setting a tank of pig shit aside or an intern at a tech start-up practising flying your drone with clippers attached, we’ve got a welcome lined up he’ll never forget. 

“I can’t wait to see his face when he calls himself Mr Britain and we all let fly with our eggs at once. It’ll be beautiful.” 

The Queen said: “I’ve tried and tried, but I can’t imagine a wedding present Meghan would want more than, you know, the head. Served on a tray.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Which drugs should I buy my family this Christmas?

WITH Christmas fast approaching, it can be hard to know which drugs to get your loved ones. But worry no more, thanks to our exclusive controlled substance gift guide.

For mum

Christmas is a stressful time for mum, so why not help her relax with some Xanax? All her worries will dissolve under her tongue, and it will get her off to sleep better than the Archers omnibus. 

For dad

Don’t go the traditional route of socks or a tie: what dads really want for Christmas is ayahuasca. Brew the hallucinogenic plant up in a nice cuppa, and his consciousness will expand even further than his waistline.

For your partner

It’s Christmas, so that means snow! Get your loved one some prime South American cocaine. If you still enjoy spending time with them when they are massively coked up, it must be love.

For your brother/sister

You have barely spent any time together since you were toddlers, but you can build bridges by rolling up a marijuana cigarette to share. Remember, when it comes to family, you can never go wrong with a good old-fashioned bifter. 

For nan

Help nan relive the glory years with a big bag of MDMA. She’ll soon forget her rheumatoid arthritis when she’s raving around the living room to Wartime Hits Volume 14. Watch out for the comedown though, nans can be moody even without severe serotonin depletion.