UKIP is to accelerate its leadership election to fill the bellend void left by Nigel Farage.
The party wants to quickly appoint a git, or possibly even an arse, or face losing the support of Britain’s utter bellends to the reinvigorated Conservative Party.
One of the front-runners is councillor Lisa Duffy, described by various members of the party faithful as ‘who?’ and ‘the Gordon Brown one?’.
The current favourite with bookmakers is Steven Woolfe, viewed as the ‘acceptable face’ of UKIP by people with incredibly low standards.
Whoever becomes leader will have to decide why the party now needs to exist, with many feeling that they should be more vocal on the subject of ghastly foreign cheeses.
Former leader Nigel Farage resigned last month so he could spend more time being one of the reasons people do not go to pubs any more.