'Vasectomies for the poor' has been Tory policy for 184 years, confirm historians

THE Conservative Party has been committed to sterilising poor people since it was founded in 1834, historians have confirmed.

As party vice-chairman Ben Bradley called for working class men to have vasectomies, Cambridge historian Martin Bishop said it was the party’s founding principle and longest standing commitment but they are still working on the details.

He added: “It hasn’t always appeared in their manifestos, but has remained absolutely central to their political philosophy since Sir Robert Peel tried to add a vasectomy clause to the Poor Law Amendment Act.

“Over the years they realised that, logistically, it could be quite tricky to give vasectomies to millions of burly working class men who did not want their scrotums tampered with.

“But to this day Tory researchers spend most of their time trying to work out how to do it, preferably through a private sector solution.”

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Trump's 'cognitive ability' normal, he's just a prick, says White House doctor

DONALD Trump has no obvious mental health issues, he is just a dreadful bastard, the White House doctor has confirmed.

Dr Ronny Jackson said the President was in very good health for a 71-year-old and that Trump ‘kept going on about it in a way that made him come across as an absolute fucking dick’.

Dr Jackson said: “When I was administering the cognitive test he kept saying that he was going to get the best results ever and I’m thinking, ‘you’re clearly not demented but Christ almighty, you are such a fucking penis, I really hate you’.

“So yeah, he’s basically fine, but still the most appalling person I’ve ever met.”

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “We have a tendency these days to assume people that we don’t like are somehow mentally impaired, when actually the simplest answer is that they are just turds.”