Vote for vote may trigger votes then vote followed by other vote

TONIGHT’S confidence vote may trigger a leadership vote in the Commons followed by a vote of Conservative members then a referendum, say experts. 

If this evening’s vote goes against Theresa May then a leadership contest will see MPs take part in multiple rounds of voting before party members vote. The public may then vote in either a general election or a referendum, all of which is great news for fans of voting. 

Parliamentary correspondent Mary Fisher said: “It’s vote-tastic over here. It’s vote Christmas. It’s raining votes. Democracy is back in a major bullshit way. 

“Ironically all this began when Theresa May, who doesn’t like voting because other people get it wrong, cancelled a vote. Whooo-eee. Did that backfire. 

“It may be that tonight’s vote is the only one, because if May wins by a single vote she’ll claim it as an overwhelming majority to pursue whatever extreme Brexit totalitarian state she wants. 

“But if not, then the voting could never stop. We could have a leadership vote then a general election then a referendum. That’s not even unlikely. 

“In just eight years voting’s brought us Cameron, austerity, Brexit, Corbyn, May and the DUP. What could possibly go wrong?” 

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Man in new relationship can't wait to see how he f***s it up

A MAN who has been seeing a woman long enough to start calling her his girlfriend is eager to see how he will totally balls it up.

Nathan Muir, 29, has been advised by friends to take things slowly, but is finding himself unable to resist looking to the future and imagining all the things he could to do wrong.

Muir said: “The beginning of a relationship is a time of exciting anticipation. There’s so much opportunity to be a complete bellend and so little way of knowing how I’ll eventually ruin everything.

“We’re currently in that honeymoon period where she’s overlooking all the things about me that are clearly weird, and I’m just about keeping a lid on all the possible scenarios that will make her dump me.

“Will I say my ex’s name during sex? Will I become unattractively needy and clingy? Will I get pissed at a family barbecue and call her mum a massive cowbag? I probably won’t challenge her dad to a bare knuckle fight, because that’s ended badly for me before.”

Muir’s girlfriend Joanna Kramer said: “He might as well stop speculating because I’ve already shagged his best mate.”