Voter physically unable to look at them

A VOTER is unable to bring himself to look at them, any of them, when they appear on the news. 

Tom Booker of Telford admitted that he has not actually seen a politician since May 13, when Theresa May pretended to know about ransomware, and does not know when he will again. 

He continued: “It’s not voluntary. My eyes are pulled aside as if by a magnet. 

“I mean him with the beard, and her, oh God, the unbearable sinister awkwardness of her, and then all those other weirdos.

“My wife’s watching telly and suddenly I’ve muted it automatically as if it was a MoneySupermarket advert.

“I’ve kept abreast of the issues via websites, but one autoplaying video and suddenly my phone was 30ft in the air.” 

He added: “At least they will all be gone soon. Gone forever.” 

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Passive-aggressive mum excited to become judgmental nan

A MUM with passive aggressive tendencies has become a grandmother who will constantly judge her daughter’s parenting.

Carolyn Ryan from Derby ‘doesn’t mind’ that her daughter never comes to visit ‘for longer than five minutes and is excited to become a nan who questions every single child-related choice her daughter will make.

Ryan said: “I’ve always loved being a mum who can say things to her daughter that piss her off in a way no one else on earth can.

“Now she is a mother, I get to criticise and undermine her in a whole new way. It truly is a magical time.

“Sometimes I’ll do it with a disapproving look or eye roll, but mostly I plan to let my daughter know exactly how much I’m judging her by making comments to relatives that are likely to get back to her.”

Ryan has already identified a few key areas ripe for judgment, including that her daughter is planning to work close to the due date and that she’s bought the baby unnecessary gadgets.

She added: “My daughter won’t accept how tired she’ll be in those early days, and I’ll be there to constantly remind her she’s brought it all on herself.”