Thursday, 15th April 2021

'We'll get you next time, Sturgeon!' shout puce-faced furious Tories

THE Scottish Conservatives are crimson with rage after wily Nicola Sturgeon once again escaped justice by ‘doing nothing wrong’. 

Tories north of the border were sure they had got the first minister this time, after she was caught red-handed not inferfering with a government inquiry, but instead have been left sputtering and furious by her exoneration.

Scottish Conservative leader Douglas Ross shouted, face twisted in frustration and stamping on his own top hat, “STUR-GEOOON!!

“How? How has she done it? We thought we had her for sure, after she forgot to mention a meeting with her old boss’s aide. How unfit for office can you get?

“Instead she’s somehow wriggled out of it and we’ve been left looking like fools, just because we pinned all our hopes of stopping the independence movement on a minor technicality.

“Oh, we’ll get you. Maybe you’ll be caught using official Holyrood pens to write personal letters, or shaking a vending machine to get haggis crisps out, but there’s a smoking gun out there. This isn’t over.”

He added: “Obviously we’ll crash and burn in the May elections, but who cares what the people think? It’s what the Tories want that matters.”