'We'll get you next time, Sturgeon!' shout puce-faced furious Tories

THE Scottish Conservatives are crimson with rage after wily Nicola Sturgeon once again escaped justice by ‘doing nothing wrong’. 

Tories north of the border were sure they had got the first minister this time, after she was caught red-handed not inferfering with a government inquiry, but instead have been left sputtering and furious by her exoneration.

Scottish Conservative leader Douglas Ross shouted, face twisted in frustration and stamping on his own top hat, “STUR-GEOOON!!

“How? How has she done it? We thought we had her for sure, after she forgot to mention a meeting with her old boss’s aide. How unfit for office can you get?

“Instead she’s somehow wriggled out of it and we’ve been left looking like fools, just because we pinned all our hopes of stopping the independence movement on a minor technicality.

“Oh, we’ll get you. Maybe you’ll be caught using official Holyrood pens to write personal letters, or shaking a vending machine to get haggis crisps out, but there’s a smoking gun out there. This isn’t over.”

He added: “Obviously we’ll crash and burn in the May elections, but who cares what the people think? It’s what the Tories want that matters.”

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Are you entitled to a holiday abroad or are you not middle-class?

FOREIGN holidays may not be possible this summer. Are you already looking for loopholes to exercise your God-given right, or is your big shop not from Ocado? 

Have you already booked a holiday abroad?

A) No. Seems like a needless risk, what with the global pandemic. There’s lots to see in this country
B) Obviously. Even if the virus hasn’t died down I know La Rochelle will be missing us, and I’m sure an exception can be made for those genuinely in need. I’ll book a third dose of vaccine if that’s what it takes

Where do you stay on holiday?

A) Depends – B&B, static caravan, sometimes even an all-inclusive hotel if we’re pushing the boat out
B) An unethically affordable Airbnb, a self-catering farmhouse in the Tuscan hills, or our second home which we bought before anyone knew second homes were bad, and the locals love us. Or, occasionally, a yurt

The word ‘holibobs’ is…

A) Like an annoying child saying ‘holiday’
B) A great way to stop three weeks in Sardinia seeming privileged, and the perfect encapsulation of my cosseted lifestyle. Although I only say it ironically, to add insult to injury

What do you think of staycations?

A) They’re what normal people call ‘a holiday’
B) They are for other people

Where are you planning to go this year? 

A) Whitby, Aberystwyth, Weymouth, Cowdenbeath, there’s loads of options really, and that’s just if you stay coastal
B) Abroad. I don’t care if I have to say it’s a business trip and employ both kids, I’m going abroad and you can’t stop me


Mostly As: As you are not member of the UK’s bourgeois elite, you’ll will have to make do with avoiding going to Covid-variant hotspots until at least autumn.

Mostly Bs: You’re so middle class that you don’t holiday you travel, and any attempt to stop you doing so will damage your childrens’ educations, your mental health and your human rights. Remember to complain about the fourth wave when you come back.