What isn't prorogation?

PROROGATION, the word on every Briton’s lips this week, definitely means the dissolution of Parliament before a Queen’s speech. 

Everyone knows that, none of us had to Google it, and nobody got it hopelessly wrong. So what isn’t prorogation? Find out:

Prorogation is not a method of navigation used in the 1700s by the Royal Navy, who would strip, scrub themselves clean then kneel nude on the deck praying until they agreed on what bearing the greatest emanation of evil came from and sail there to find pirates.

Prorogation is not a hand-drawn erotic animation reel commissioned as vanity projects by Hollywood stars of the 1930s, shown at private parties. Examples include Fatty Arbuckle’s Boulevard Bozo and Crawford Capers, drawn by a young Walt Disney.

Prorogation is not a conclave of past, present and future Pogues members to decide who is currently lead singer of the band. If white smoke is released, it is a guest vocalist; if black, Shane McGowan.

Prorogation is not a democratic outrage, an attempt to secure no-deal Brexit by default, or legally questionable. It is a much-needed opportunity for a popular new government to put forward a bold domestic legislative agenda.

Prorogation is not a medical emergency often suffered by cattle where their internal organs all slide out of the rectum causing embarrassment and death. Though on a national level it is kind of similar.

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Strictly to ditch the dancing and focus on the homewrecking

THE new series of Strictly Come Dancing will cut the ballroom dancing and concentrate on the contestants’ journey from happily married to adultery.

Producers have decided that 16 series of celebrities getting incrementally better at dancing are enough, while interest in whether a dancer can break a relationship in ten weeks remains sky-high.

Producer Denys Finch Hatton said: “See one American Smooth, you’ve seen them all. But the first accidental brush of a satin-clad buttock with an open palm that leads to adultery? TV gold.

“We’ll still be doing the dancing, but we’ll only show sexy montage close-ups and focus on flirtatious conversations, knowing silences and long Skype calls with partners assuring them nothing’s wrong.

“The judges will emain an integral part of the competition, but rather than scoring the dancing they’ll score the sweaty cheating sex. Just wait for what Bruno Tonoli says about David James’s ‘clumsy and insincere’ foreplay.”

Strictly professional Tom Logan said: “I’m going all out to win this year and I’m not going to let Anneka Rice’s husband stand in my way. Cha-cha-cha.”