Which of the Tories' big conference ideas are you?

THE Conservative party conference is here, and with it a whole load of incredibly shit ideas. But which of these panicked regurgitations of Thatcherism are you? 

Are you patronising, unenforcable, and two years too late? You are Letting Waiters Keep Tips, an ineffective way to persuade minimum wage earners that the Tories think of them as anything other than that idiot who brought insufficiently chilled gazpacho. 

Are you throwing good money after bad? You are Modern Apprenticeships, and will always be remembered as one more way in which the Tories fucked everyone over by giving public funds to their mates.

Are you fumbling, desperate and destined to fail horribly? You are either the annual Connecting With Young Voters event or an unnamed Cabinet minister who will resign in shame next month after his actions at the conference are exposed. 

Are you nostalgic, jingoistic, and likely to resemble a cross between Midsomer Murders and the Radio One Roadshow? You are Theresa May’s Festival of Great Britain and Northern Ireland, to which attendance will only reach double figures if it is mandatory under threat of imprisonment. 

Are you a conference regular, a proven failure and evidently some kind of incurable addiction? You are Tax Cuts Boosting the Economy and not even your most fervent supporters expect you to succeed. 

Are you despised by the whole nation but still clinging on to agonising life? You are Boris Johnson For Prime Minister, and capital punishment will be brought back specifically for you. 

Congratulations! You’ve failed and will never be mentioned again!

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University fresher wondering how first person he met became his best mate

A UNIVERSITY fresher has no idea how he became best friends with the first student he spoke to.

Engineering student Tom Booker met fellow first-year Wayne Hayes on their induction day at the University of Nottingham. They have since spent every waking moment together, despite having nothing in common except that they are both secretly missing their mums.

Tom Booker said: “We met when we were both in a corridor confused, I was like ‘Is Room 4B this way?’ and he replied ‘I’m looking for 4B too.’ At the time it seemed like such a crazy coincidence that we were both looking for Room 4B, and a reasonable basis for an incredibly close friendship that transcends even brotherhood.

“It’s quite surprising that we are now best friends as we don’t actually have much in common. I’m sporty and he’s a gamer, I like going out drinking and he likes sitting in his room blazing up.

“He’s not even funny! His best man speech is going to be shite.”

Wayne Hayes said: “I can tell he’s thinking of ditching me as soon as he meets some ‘cool people’. That sucker doesn’t realise I’ve just joined the Fantasy Roleplaying and Wargames Society, where I plan to really ‘find myself’ and have a lot of sexual intercourse.”