Who are you blaming for Labour's loss?

LABOUR suffered their worst electoral loss since 1987 last week, and logically it must be someone’s fault. Who are you blaming? 

The electorate

When offered a clear choice between the most promise-filled manifesto ever written and a charlatan who offered nothing but an outdated, boring Brexit, voters made the wrong choice. They should hang their heads in shame.

The Lib Dems

The Liberal Democrats not only ran against Labour in seats Labour wanted to win, they called the whole election in the first place by refusing to install Jeremy as acting prime minister. How will they live with themselves, after this?


The entire nation was teetering on the edge of a landslide for Labour when several snippets of out-of-context footage of BBC reporters showing bias were circulated on Twitter by angry Labour activists. Subsequently Labour lost. That can’t be a coincidence.

John McDonnell

By forcing the party to back a Brexit referendum, Labour lost tens of thousands of Brexit voters and the election. Remain voters would have backed Labour anyway, because of trust. McDonnell should rename himself Judas.


A vote for Boris Johnson was a vote for racism, while a vote for Labour was a vote for anti-racism because nobody believed those ridiculous anti-Semitic smears which were all from lying Tory Jews anyway.

Winning the argument

Labour won the argument but lost the election, and perhaps it lost the election because it won the argument. Because everyone was so annoyed at how comprehensively they’d lost the argument they voted for the losers of the argument out of spite. This makes sense.

Not Jeremy Corbyn

The election loss was nothing to do with Jeremy Corbyn, this kind man, this gentle man, this decent, honest, principled, caring, man who’s been on the right side of history for 30 years. This sincere, dedicated, compassionate, decent again, virtuous, wonderful, man. Not him.

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How I plan to spaff cash over the North, by Boris Johnson

by Prime Minister Boris Johnson

I LIKE the North now it’s a Tory heartland, and I plan to spunk about £80 billion to keep it that way. Here’s how I’ll do it: 

More dogsh*t bins

I’ve already pledged to fill in potholes because I know Northerners are simple folk without the intelligence to understand anything more complex. My new ‘Boris Bins’ will reduce how long you have to carry a warm turd around. Now that’s a real improvement to your quality of life.

A free orange

You won’t have seen these before, but take it from me they are a jolly tasty type of ‘fruit’. (Please note government funds do not stretch to one each. Leeds will have to share a bag of eight.)

A job in a cotton mill for every child

I’m all about tackling poverty and encouraging aspiration, and how better to increase family incomes than jobs for the kids? Putting their nimble little fingers in the fast-moving machinery every day will be a damn sight more educational than boring old school!

A big thing to look at

They’ve already got the Angel of the North, so it’s time for another. We’ll put it in Burnley, the North’s capital, and so far we’re thinking either a big teapot or a huge statue of the famous Northern leader Andy Capp that people can marvel at, and possibly worship.

More foodbanks 

I can guarantee there will be more foodbanks, allowing Northern families to enjoy a delicious meal of tinned hot dogs and instant coffee granules whenever they like.

Free English lessons

The economies of depressed Northern towns will thrive once everyone learns to speak English instead of gibberish like ‘Thah’s blartin’ like a pig up yon mam’s best ginnel, eeh bah ecky gum.’ If I’m to talk to you at all, that must stop.