Sunday, 25th October 2020

Who are you blaming for Labour's loss?

LABOUR suffered their worst electoral loss since 1987 last week, and logically it must be someone’s fault. Who are you blaming? 

The electorate

When offered a clear choice between the most promise-filled manifesto ever written and a charlatan who offered nothing but an outdated, boring Brexit, voters made the wrong choice. They should hang their heads in shame.

The Lib Dems

The Liberal Democrats not only ran against Labour in seats Labour wanted to win, they called the whole election in the first place by refusing to install Jeremy as acting prime minister. How will they live with themselves, after this?

The BBC

The entire nation was teetering on the edge of a landslide for Labour when several snippets of out-of-context footage of BBC reporters showing bias were circulated on Twitter by angry Labour activists. Subsequently Labour lost. That can’t be a coincidence.

John McDonnell

By forcing the party to back a Brexit referendum, Labour lost tens of thousands of Brexit voters and the election. Remain voters would have backed Labour anyway, because of trust. McDonnell should rename himself Judas.

Racism

A vote for Boris Johnson was a vote for racism, while a vote for Labour was a vote for anti-racism because nobody believed those ridiculous anti-Semitic smears which were all from lying Tory Jews anyway.

Winning the argument

Labour won the argument but lost the election, and perhaps it lost the election because it won the argument. Because everyone was so annoyed at how comprehensively they’d lost the argument they voted for the losers of the argument out of spite. This makes sense.

Not Jeremy Corbyn

The election loss was nothing to do with Jeremy Corbyn, this kind man, this gentle man, this decent, honest, principled, caring, man who’s been on the right side of history for 30 years. This sincere, dedicated, compassionate, decent again, virtuous, wonderful, man. Not him.