Tuesday, 11th May 2021

Why all this is fine, by a Brexiter

by Roy Hobbs, 2016 Leave voter

BORIS? Doing a great job. Covid? Nothing to worry about. Brexit? Setting us free as a nation mate. Let me explain: 

Food shortages? Sorry you won’t be able to get purple basil for your pancetta-wrapped sea bass. I take a limited diet of Wall’s sausages and oven chips which my triple-locked pension easily covers. Why do people keep complaining about things that don’t affect me?

I’m not afraid of some deadly virus. People accuse Leavers of burying their heads in the sand and using stupid analogies, but we got through the bubonic plague, didn’t we? And Vesuvius.

What people don’t realise is that literally nothing matters except Brexit. Boris may not be quite the panel-show Churchill I thought he was, and actually just a fat, spoilt parasite, but you’ve got to put it in the context of Polish shops. There’s one in the town 30 miles away where my sister lives. And I don’t like the sound of mosques.

Brexit will solve these and our many other problems, such as the French. Food supplies cut off? Bring back the Atlantic convoys. That went well and in any case we can easily grow our own food. Turnips are very nutritious.

The government is doing a fine job in difficult circumstances. Excuse me, my wife has just texted to say there are no Brussels sprouts in Tesco. Oh God, I think I’m having a panic attack.