You can demand the papers of anyone suspiciously foreign after Brexit, leak reveals

BRITONS will be empowered to demand the papers of anyone a bit foreign-looking after Brexit, a leak has revealed. 

Home Office plans show that every UK resident will be empowered to check the papers of suspected EU nationals, either on the spot or by setting up improvised ‘street corner checkpoints’. 

Roy Hobbs of Hitchin said: “I see them every day, mocking me with their brown eyes and refusal to salute war memorials. A fifth column operating among us.

“Finally I’ll have the power that should be every Englishman’s birthright to challenge anyone I don’t like the look of to prove their legitimacy. 

“I’ll probably check everyone on my train every morning, then in the evening I’ll get the family to roadblock the cul-de-sac so we can make sure nobody’s sneaking in to sabotage our resolve. 

“The Scots’ll need papers as well, of course. And the Welsh. And Remoaners.” 

He added: “I’m already practicing saying ‘Papers, please!’ in front of the mirror every day. I’ll be just like the heroes in the war films.” 

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Gullible man thinks he's got secret information from crackpot website again

A MAN has been sharing ‘secret’ information from conspiracy websites that are clearly bullshit.

Tom Logan frequently enthuses about fringe theories such as the whole system of money being a scam or that ‘big pharma’ has a cure for cancer but chooses not to market it.

Friend Nikki Hollis said: “Tom told me money is worthless and the entire world financial system is about to collapse. I was shocked because you’d think that would be on the news.

“Then I realised he’d got it from some website called ‘Financial Armageddon Is HERE!’ that encourages you to buy overpriced gold coins to use in the coming barter system.

“Then he said cars can be powered by seawater using a ‘saline engine’ invented by an Israeli scientist. I asked for details but apparently the guy’s in hiding because oil companies want to kill him.

“I think Tom needs to be a bit more sceptical and perhaps not encourage his parents to invest their entire life savings in bitcoins.”

Logan said: “I’m sick of paying for electricity when NASA has already covered the dark side of the the moon with solar panels and transmits free energy back as microwaves.

“Luckily a guy on the internet has got a perpetual motion machine, so I’ll definitely be investing in that.”