You do know that I’m the leader of the Labour Party, Corbyn asks May

JEREMY Corbyn has responded to Theresa May’s appeal for his help by reminding her that he is the leader of the Labour Party.

As the prime minister called on Corbyn and his MPs to help deliver her policies, Corbyn said: “Come again?”

He added: “Of course, Theresa, whatever you need. I got into politics to help implement the ideas of ruthless, right wing, authoritarian capitalists like yourself.

“Meanwhile, my lifelong support for policies that you find utterly repugnant was actually just performance art.

“In reality I’m a major shareholder in a South African diamond mine and a company that makes bullets.

“Also, I hate homos because Jesus told me to. You utter fucking cretin.”

The prime minister said: “Fair enough. I am just so shit at this. For the love of god, someone stop me.”

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Woman planning 'baby shower' reminded it's a load of American bullshit

A PREGNANT woman who is planning to have a ‘baby shower’ has been reminded this is not America and it is therefore bullshit.

Alice Jones has invited 15 female friends to join her for a Pinterest-inspired afternoon tea with ‘fun’ baby-themed games and a lot of gift-opening.

Close friend Nikki Hollis said: “What god-awful American movie does she think she’s living in?

“This is Swindon. We celebrate a baby’s arrival by reluctantly bringing over a homemade lasagne a few weeks after the trauma of pushing something out of your vag.

“Also, if she’s not drinking, can we? I can’t be around this level of excitement and unalloyed joy without prosecco in me.”

Alice’s mother, Anne Warner, said: “I haven’t got time for all this dicking around. I’ve told her to do what my generation did and approach the due date with dread, flatulence and anger.”