'You lied to me, you fat f**k,' says Queen

THE Queen has been heard to murmur ‘You lied to me, you f**king fat f**k’ while watching the news.

The monarch greeted the announcement that the prime minister’s advice to her on prorogation was illegal by narrowing her eyes and pointing one furious finger.

A maidservant heard her continue: “You know what happens to people who lie to me? No, you don’t. Because nobody f**king lies to me, you prick.

“Think I haven’t seen kn*bheads like you strut in here puffed up with your own bullsh*t before? But I give them the death stare and I get the bloody truth.

“I knew. I knew before the words were lolling out of your lying mouth. I had to wait. But now? Now you’re f**ked.”

Elizabeth II then glanced over to her husband the Duke of Edinburgh, nodded and watched him speak a few words into a black telephone before she reclined with a thin-lipped smile.

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Scientists still trying to find a worse way to deliver ketchup than those packets

SCIENTISTS have admitted they are working night and day to find a less effective ketchup delivery method than tiny plastic packets. 

The packets, which provide almost no ketchup while making a horrible f**king mess, have beaten all contenders to remain the most wasteful and least user-friendly condiment delivery system.

Dr Helen Archer said: “We’ve tried everything. Even holding ketchup in your cupped hands is a marginal improvement.

“A method where you collect eight tiny packets, battle to tear them open, squirt half of it on your shirt, and get around a teaspoonful of ketchup from before it’s time to open the next with sauce-slick hands? That’s hitting every mark of the consumer experience.

“We tried little tubs that dissolve on touch, sauce guns you fire at your food from 12ft away, and an ironic revival of those big tomatoes where it all crusts up. All were better in at least one aspect.

“Science has its limits, and it may be that we need to develop an entire new technology to make these things worse.”

She added: “This also included mayo and mustard, but nobody ever tries to open them.”