Man joins gym to shed personality

A MAN has joined the gym with the aim of shedding as much of his personality as possible.

Julian Cook has noticed his character is bloated and unattractive as he hit his mid-30s and decided to do something about it.

He said: “I was in denial for quite a while, But eventually I realised that I had developed a bit too much personality.

“There are obviously a few ways of doing this, I could have started doing yoga or joined a running club. But in the end the most efficient way was to join the gym.

“Some of the weights boys have absolutely no personality whatsoever. It’s like standing by rocks.”

Cook’s personal trainer Nikki Hollis said: “He’ll get out what he puts in. If he commits to going to the gym at least four times a week then I can guarantee he will be a dreary twat by Christmas.”

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Woman having affair so she doesn't waste her suntan

A 32-YEAR-OLD woman has embarked on an affair in order not to waste her suntan.

Sophie Muir said: “I got back from holiday with a gorgeous golden tan and now look at the weather. Straight into thick black tights and my autumn coat. What was the point of spending all those hours on a sun lounger?

“Look at these lovely tan lines and this golden glow. My back looks f**king amazing. And there are hardly any opportunities to show off your back.

“I suppose I could take up swimming or something, but Martin from HR has made it clear he’s keen, and an affair feels like less faff than changing rooms and lockers and all that.

“I know marriage vows are kind of against it, but I really think that God had not properly thought about suntans just sitting there hidden under opaque 80-denier tights.

“We’re always being told nowadays not to waste stuff.”