You might be surprised to learn I don't like protesters, says May

THERESA May has admitted that she considers all protesters to be a filthy rabble who should be locked up. 

The prime minister confessed that mass protests, like yesterday’s in Whitehall, actually make her eager to round them all up. 

She continued: “People say that peaceful protest is one of the pillars of democracy, but seeing them with their mismatched hand-made signs makes me itch.

“I know this will surprise everyone because I’ve always come across as a tolerant, listening politician, but deep down I think they’re workshy scruffs who need a good beating to set them straight. 

“What’s wrong with sitting in a leather-backed armchair and writing a letter to the Telegraph, if you want your views heard? Or simply emailing your lobbyist? 

“I haven’t bothered to find out what they’re protesting about. Certainly something eminently sensible which no right-thinking person would disagree with, or they wouldn’t shout so loud.” 

She added: “They make me shudder. They’ll have to go.” 


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Cat not sure where rumour about him getting fed elsewhere comes from

A CAT has rejected claims that he gets fed in more than one household.

Cat Roy Hobbs said he is unsure why people frequently make remarks about him getting fed in multiple locations.

Hobbs said: “It’s just an annoying bullshit thing that people say and it gets on my cat tits.

“The truth is that it’s not that easy to get total strangers to feed you on a daily basis, god knows I’ve tried.

“When I go in someone’s garden they generally either ignore me or tell me to fuck off.

“They certainly don’t come running out with a plate of salmon.”

He added: “I’m not even fat. The bit around my middle is just loose skin that allows my body to articulate itself in an agile manner.”