Zac Goldsmith refusing to come out of toilet

TORY London mayoral candidate Zac Goldsmith has locked himself in a toilet with a book of Latin poetry and some truffles.

Goldsmith, who spent his final day of campaigning telling himself it will all be over soon, is ignoring pleas from the family to open the door so that they can all talk it through.

The glassy-eyed millionaire addressed a crowd of supporters in Romford yesterday, thanking them for their support “throughout this miserable, Kafkaesque ordeal.”

Goldsmith said: “Well, this has been a disaster, hasn’t it. Just one more day, then I can go back to Richmond and pretend it was all a horrible nightmare.“

A planned meet-and-greet with voters had to be abandoned when Goldsmith broke down and started sobbing that he just wanted to go home and hold a cushion.

Conservative supporter Margaret Gerving said: “I really like Zac and I want him to be happy, which is why I’ll be voting for Sadiq Khan.”

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Ask Holly: It's time to wreak vengeance and put an apocalypse into action

Dear Holly,

I’ve been taking a back seat in world affairs for a few hundred years but things have been deteriorating fast recently: the US Republican candidate race; the migrant crisis; Leicester City winning the Premier League…even Game of Thrones is becoming a little bit shit. So it’s time to wreak vengeance and put an apocalypse into action. I was thinking of appearing to Bernie Sanders and asking him to build an ark. Good plan?



Dear God,

There should be more children’s programmes dealing with apocalyptic themes. Peppa Pig would spend less time jumping in muddy puddles and more time helping her feckless father to stockpile antibiotics and dig trenches; Charlie and Lola might not be so middle-class and annoying if forced to defend themselves against a blood-thirsty gang of looters… and those dogs from Paw Patrol might stop wasting all their time rescuing daft mute chickens if they were drafted in to clear corpses and set up a perimeter.

Hope that helps,