Proposing marriage, and other activities ruined by woke Marxist Black Lives Matter knee-taking

YOU can’t tie a shoelace these days without accidentally backing the destruction of capitalism. Retired headmistress Margaret Gerving details the other knee-based activities it’s ruined: 

Proposing

The holy institution of marriage has been under threat since it let the gays in, but now every proposal is a formal invitation to overthrow the white supremacist state the institution has been destroyed forever. To marry is now to form a two-person communist sleeper cell.

Praying

I can no longer kneel down on a cassock in St Peter’s and say a quiet prayer without the rest of the congregation thinking I want them chained together and demolishing statues of Queen Victoria with pick-axes. And I don’t. I was praying for an 16 per cent pension rise.

Providing oral pleasure

Already socialist at the least, this degenerate activity now makes you a traitor to your country’s heritage. I’m sorry but it’s true. And Joan at the village shop says the National Trust now encourages cottaging. She’s read it in the Express.

Gardening

You can’t garden without kneeling, and I have a special padded mat from John Lewis, but how can I do it now without the neighbours assuming I want to defund the police? I’m too old to bend at the waist, so BLM has ruined my vegetable patch as well as the country.

Lunges

The lady who runs the exercise class I go to in the village hall still insists on making us do lunges, despite me telling her we shouldn’t be prostrating ourselves for to a racist cult. She claimed lunges were good for your glutes and quads then banned me. I think she’s woke.

Being knighted

You can’t be knighted without kneeling, which means the Queen is recruiting high-ranking members of the establishment into Black Lives Matter, which means she’s the de facto head of Black Lives Matter and our mortal enemy. And Meghan is good. Whoah. This shit is deep.

Five dumb but fair dating dealbreakers

There are good and bad reasons not to pursue a relationship, and sometimes the bad reasons mean more in the long run. Here’s five of them:

They eat too loudly

Brushed off on a first date if they’re pretty and fascinating, but if things go well? Before you know it you’re living together and they’re wolfing down casserole opposite every night taking big gulps of air through their mouth and you hear nothing else even in sleep.

They’re a bad kisser

Ignore that they might be out of practice. The pandemic’s been a dry spell for many, but it’s like being able to dance or parallel-park; you don’t lose it. Give them the benefit of the doubt and you’re kissing a dry little beak on your dying day.

They didn’t like your favourite movie

Shared cultural appreciation is important, so if they dare glance at their phone during The Princess Bride then they can f**k right off. If they can’t love Terminator 2, Dirty Dancing, Eternal Sunshine or Frankenhooker they can’t love you. Unless your is the 1996 Doctor Who TV movie, in which case love is not deserved.

They snore

You can’t blame something for something they can’t control, unless it’s four f**king AM and they’re snorting like Satan possessing swine and they would only do this if they were evil. End it by getting up, turning on the lights, packing their bag, calling an Uber and opening the front door.

They’re not really hot, rich and 100 per cent compatible

There’s every chance the perfect multi-millionaire ten will walk into your life tomorrow. And what if it’s too late because you’ve compromised like a schmuck and built a relationship with someone who loves you unconditionally and supports you in all your endeavours? Ditch them immediately.