Restrictions to end Monday because I like announcing it, says Johnson

ALL Covid restrictions will be lifted next Monday because it is ‘a fun thing to say and it makes me feel good’, Boris Johnson has confirmed.

Freedom Day will go ahead as planned on July 19 because even just saying those words makes the prime minister pitch a tent in his trousers, which is more important than safety concerns.

Johnson continued: “I’ve been delivering sombre, dreary f**king speeches ever since I got elected. So I’m not going to let something as trivial as rocketing cases of a dangerous new variant stop me giving Britain the good news.

“The sentence ‘face coverings no longer required by law’ alone made me go weak at the knees. Let the public transport companies add the necessary caveats. The words felt amazing coming out of my mouth.

“All that guff about proceeding with extreme caution was contractual. It’s the hot vax summer, bitches! Nightclubs and festivals and unfettered capitalism! Christ. I’ve gone off.”

Professor Chris Whitty said: “You know the score: he does his spiel then you listen to me.

“Don’t go mental. Use common sense even if you are double-jabbed. Try not to be a knobhead about masks. See you in October for the lockdown speech.”

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Relive your A-levels: A fun interactive game

DO you miss the stress of taking exams to determine your future? See how you fare in our interactive game: 

1. It’s the night before the exams. What do you do?

Have a long, restful night’s sleep, safe in the knowledge that you’ve studied diligently for two years. Go to 2. 
Desperately try to memorise some bollocks from Hamlet like ‘Is this a hawk or a handsaw?’ while wishing you hadn’t wasted two years smoking crap hash. Go to 6.

2. How did you revise? 

Created a timetable and followed it to the absolute letter. There’ll be plenty of time to drink afterwards. Go to 3. 
Played videogames by day and at night got drunk on white cider in a quarry with a bunch of drop-out mates who call A-levels ‘a piece of paper’. Go to 7. 

3. The person you’ve fancied for two years is sitting in front of you in the exam. What do you do? 

Put their unattainable beauty out of your mind for the next three hours and focus on the job at hand. Go to 4. 
Spend the full three hours writing a poem about how pure your unrequited love for them is and forever will be, vowing to hand it to them afterwards to show them how you really feel, then put it in the bin while crying. Go to 8. 

4. You’ve finished the exam with 20 minutes to spare. What do you do? 

Go over your answers and add in any random facts you remember you haven’t included yet because it can’t hurt. Go to 5. 
Write Pink Floyd lyrics on the desk. Go to 10. 

5. Congratulations! You’ve passed all your A-levels and are so f**king clever you get into a Russell group university, condemning you to three years with thick posh twats in Durham.

6. You’ve failed! Now you won’t be able to spend £27,750 on tuition fees over three years and will have to get a job and earn money instead.

7. You’ve failed! And after resits in a crap local college you decide education isn’t for you and return to a life of videogames and white cider.

8. You’ve failed! But in the local pub post-results that person you fancied cops off with you because you’re a dangerous sexy outcast, so it was worth it after all.

9. You’ve failed! But it’s okay because you did Maths and Physics, and a shit university’s already been in touch advising your two Es and a N are good enough for teacher training.