ALL Covid restrictions will be lifted next Monday because it is ‘a fun thing to say and it makes me feel good’, Boris Johnson has confirmed.
Freedom Day will go ahead as planned on July 19 because even just saying those words makes the prime minister pitch a tent in his trousers, which is more important than safety concerns.
Johnson continued: “I’ve been delivering sombre, dreary f**king speeches ever since I got elected. So I’m not going to let something as trivial as rocketing cases of a dangerous new variant stop me giving Britain the good news.
“The sentence ‘face coverings no longer required by law’ alone made me go weak at the knees. Let the public transport companies add the necessary caveats. The words felt amazing coming out of my mouth.
“All that guff about proceeding with extreme caution was contractual. It’s the hot vax summer, bitches! Nightclubs and festivals and unfettered capitalism! Christ. I’ve gone off.”
Professor Chris Whitty said: “You know the score: he does his spiel then you listen to me.
“Don’t go mental. Use common sense even if you are double-jabbed. Try not to be a knobhead about masks. See you in October for the lockdown speech.”