Friday, 6th December 2019

Q&A: Who is this b*llend Dominic Cummings?

ARE you unsure who the mysterious political svengali Dominic Cummings is? Here’s everything you need to know about the man who appears to be running Britain.

So who exactly is this obvious tw*t?

After running the Vote Leave campaign, he’s known as ‘the mastermind of Brexit’. You know, Brexit, that really intelligent project which is shaping up to be Britain’s biggest disaster since WW2 and everyone’s sh*tting themselves about.

Why does he dress like a knob?

The open-necked shirts and bodywarmer are clearly intended to suggest he’s a political guerrilla constantly on the move with no time for niceties like suits. Sort of an ‘inverse Che Guevara’ who’s actively trying to make life worse for his countrymen.

Hang on. I’m sure I recognise him from The Thick of It.

That was the similar-looking character Stewart Pearson, based on another creepy government advisor, Steve Hilton. Well spotted, but you’re confusing two entirely different b*llends. 

What are his amazing political skills?

In the Brexit campaign, Cummings focused on emotions rather than specifics. This worked, with the slight drawback of having no plan whatsoever and leaving millions of thick xenophobes convinced to this day that it is 1942.

So is he clever or just an idiot?

Both. He is credited with creating the ‘Take back control’ slogan, which is brilliant because people can say it and secretly mean "Send 'em back!" without sounding like a racist English Defence League yob.

So what will he do after Brexit? 

Presumably advise future governments with his insights, or go into hiding in a cellar, hoping the roaming mobs outside don’t break in and steal his precious stock of dead mice.