Q&A: Who is this b*llend Dominic Cummings?

ARE you unsure who the mysterious political svengali Dominic Cummings is? Here’s everything you need to know about the man who appears to be running Britain.

So who exactly is this obvious tw*t?
After running the Vote Leave campaign, he’s known as ‘the mastermind of Brexit’. You know, Brexit, that really intelligent project which is shaping up to be Britain’s biggest disaster since WW2 and everyone’s sh*tting themselves about.

Why does he dress like a knob?
The open-necked shirts and bodywarmer are clearly intended to suggest he’s a political guerrilla constantly on the move with no time for niceties like suits. Sort of an ‘inverse Che Guevara’ who’s actively trying to make life worse for his countrymen.

What are his amazing political skills?
In the Brexit campaign, Cummings focused on emotions rather than specifics. This worked, with the slight drawback of having no plan whatsoever and leaving millions of thick xenophobes convinced to this day that it is 1942.

So is he clever or just an idiot?
Both. He is credited with creating the ‘Take back control’ slogan, which is brilliant because people can say it and secretly mean “Send ’em back!” without sounding like a racist English Defence League yob.

So what will he do after Brexit?
Presumably advise future governments with his insights, or go into hiding in a cellar, hoping the roaming mobs outside don’t break in and steal his precious stock of dead mice.

 

The Guardian reader's guide to dealing with burglars

IF your house alarm goes off and there’s an intruder, what should you do if you’re a soft-as-sh*te Guardian reader? Read our guide.

Attack them with your balalaika

The closest thing to a weapon in your home is either your coffee breath or one of your pretentious musical instruments. Balalaikas, bass oboes and the ukelele you play in your ‘banjo orchestra’ will all leave a burglar confused as they try to work out why anyone would own one. 

Being hit over the head with a theremin may even make them think they are being attacked – terrifyingly – by aliens.

Pretend it’s a w*nky event you’ve organised

The first thing you exclaim as you meet the intruder should be “Simon! You made it!”, then explain it’s a “strangers drop-in foodie pop-up”. As you go into tedious detail about how the turmeric infused canapés you’re serving will also boost your immune system the burglar will want to leave faster than they can say, “Will I have to buy something?”

Hit them with an entire Observer

The Observer isn’t for reading, it’s to make you feel superior when you’re dealing with a hangover in Budgens on Sunday morning. (Unless you have a strange desire to find out why Nick Cohen hates lefties this week.)

If you think you’re a liberal, wait till you hit an intruder in the genitals with the whole three pounds of left-leaning journalism and listen with satisfaction to the thieving scrote’s agonised screams.

Try to get the burglar’s life story

This could be an opportunity for a fascinating relationship across a class and cultural divide. Even if there isn’t a book in it, there’s probably a blog’s worth of content.

Be warned: your intruder may not be entirely sincere and may hug you and tearfully fabricate stories about needing to buy insulin for his dog just to get the f*ck out of there.