Quiz: Are you a functional alcoholic, or just 'fun'?

Are you the life and soul of the party, or starting to feel like death? Take our totally scientific quiz to assess your relationship with alcohol.

Lunchtime pint?

A) Nah, best not.
B) Oh, go on then.
C) We’re drinking shots, you f**king pussy.

Have you done any of the following in the past month: danced on a table, been sick in a bush, drunkenly called your ex? 

A) Good lord, no.
B) I was merely checking in on my ex after a worrying Facebook status.
C) Hat trick.

What’s your relationship to Berocca?

A) Is he the prime minister of Spain?
B) From time to time.
C) My piss looks like Irn Bru.

When did you last wake up hating yourself?

A) Never. I am bursting with self esteem.
B) After drunkenly banging my ex.
C) About 4 minutes ago.

Mostly As: You’re not a functional alcoholic but you’re not fun either. Time to get pissed and vomit on a close friend.

Mostly Bs: You are ‘fun’.

Mostly Cs: You knew the answer before you opened this. Well played.

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Dad arrives at airport 143 hours early

A DAD has arrived for his flight fully prepared and 143 hours early, it has emerged.

Julian Cook and his wife took a taxi from their home to Bristol Airport six days before their flight was due to depart, with the 80-minute journey leaving them plenty of time to relax before boarding.

Cook said: “There’s nothing worse than being rushed before you start your holiday. Airlines recommend you get there two hours early, but that’s just because they make so much money from people missing their flights.

“You have to get up pretty early to catch me out.”

Tapping his temple with one finger, Cook added: “The only downside is that airport food is such a rip-off. Luckily we bought 35 sandwiches and the rest of last night’s casserole.”

An airport spokesman said: “We don’t generally mind older men turning up ludicrously early for their flights. They don’t cause any trouble and the amount they rinse on paperbacks from WH Smith pays our wages.”