ANGELA Rayner is to make a dramatic entry into the Labour leadership race riding Wes Streeting as if he is a pig mount.
Labour MPs will be gathered in the Strangers’ Bar, gossiping and awaiting candidates, when they become aware of a distant squealing noise and a woman’s voice shouting ‘Huzzah!’ and ‘On, porker!’
The double doors will burst open to reveal Rayner, wearing an emerald green trouser suit over a polished metal breastplate, seated astride Wes Streeting and guiding him with a leash through his septum ring.
Rayner will say: “I hereby announce that I, Angela Rayner, am to run to become Labour leader and prime minister thereafter!” before tugging on the leash to elicit a particularly emphatic squeal.
To questions of ‘Is that Wes?’ she will reply: “Wes no more, for he has been reborn as my hog steed! Grunt for your mistress, swine! Grunt your assent! Grunt full confidence in my leadership!”
Following prolonged grunting Rayner will then slap her mount’s flank, bid him turn and gallop away, leaving only incomprehension and bafflement as to who to vote for now in her wake.
Then Calvin Bailey, member for Leyton and Wanstead, will ask: “Can anyone else smell pigshit?”
