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Reform candidates arrested as precautionary measure

ANYONE applying to be a Reform candidate will be interviewed by the police to be on the safe side.

After the arrest of Welsh Reform leader Dan Thomas, and earlier his predecessor Nathan Gill, plus other ongoing investigations, the new process will see nominees voluntarily hand themselves in to the police in the first place.

Reform spokesman Jack Browne said: “It seemed silly to go through our own half-arsed screening process to select a candidate then just deselect them when ‘that incident at the fancy dress party’ or whatever comes to light.

“The police tend to be more thorough than we are, so it seems sensible for them to give people a once-over first. Under caution, obviously.

“To this end we’ve produced a document for candidates to give to the police during questioning to streamline the process, with suggested topics such as ‘Things I said on Facebook’, ‘Things I’ve done driving my car’ and ‘Reasons I’m divorced’.

“If they leave the police station without bail conditions they’ll be given a Reform Candidate Certificate stating ‘The police say I haven’t done anything bad yet’ and will be allowed to complete their application.”

Browne added: “It’ll get a bit complicated when the candidate is an ex-copper but I’m sure a quick chat with a former colleague at their lodge meeting will suffice.”

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Six more made-up reasons for boycotting Ed Sheeran

YOU wouldn’t want to listen to Ed Sheeran whether he’s embroiled in a controversy about Palestine or not. Here are six more reasons you can give for pretending you’re cancelling him.

He uses endangered guitar picks

It’s a closely-guarded secret that Sheeran insists on his plectrums being made from parts of endangered species, with a particular preference for their genitals. His 2023 tour was responsible for seven different types of dolphin becoming extinct, hence it being known as ‘The Subtract Tour’.

He made Wagon Wheels smaller

Sheeran’s father was head of Wagon Wheel research and development at Burton’s Biscuits when the singer was a toddler. He was startled one day when he looked up and saw his son’s gingery head obscured by the mallow and biscuit treat like a chocolatey solar eclipse. He began work on reducing its size the very next day.

He confuses specific and pacific

Sheeran uses the word ‘pacific’ when he means ‘specific’, despite having been told on numerous occasions that he is saying it wrong. It’s not a genuine speech problem and he often goads underlings by using the word incorrectly then making them repeat back what he just said. Anyone correcting him is fired on the spot and told to read ‘the pacific wording of your contract’.

The Boston Incident

The Boston Incident has become so infamous that people no longer need to specify what actually happened or even whether it took place in the US Boston or the original one in the arse end of nowhere. The highly litigious singer refuses to allow any public discussion of the Boston Incident or how long it took to clean up afterwards.

He hates The Princess Bride

Ed Sheeran cannot stand the film The Princess Bride and will tell anybody who stands still long enough why it isn’t funny, goes on for too long and the soundtrack is rubbish. ‘The special effects are terrible when you compare them to a great film like Jurassic World Dominion,’ he will insist, the twat.

Ipswich Town FC

Everybody agrees Ipswich Town FC is a terrible idea, not least their actual fans who often describe supporting their team as being like watching dry paint remain dry. But a huge injection of money from the singer has compelled the club to keep going and even get promoted, forcing far more people to experience Ipswich Town against their will. Sheeran, a known sadist, enjoys this.

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