A SCOTTISH voter had almost forgotten his country’s long-held tradition of cold-eyed religious bigotry until Kate Forbes came along.
The leading candidate to become first minister informed Scotland that the gays should never have been allowed to marry, while adding unconvincingly that it was too late to stop their sinful antics now.
Will McKay said: “Oddly, I’d got used to thinking of us as an open, tolerant country with liberal views, rather than a nation of narrow-minded puritans. Foolish of me.
“We’re on the same latitude as the Nordic countries but we’re nothing like them. We’re flint-hearted bastards who believe the only true route to God’s grace is suffering, especially for the poor.
“Look at our history. We’re mental for a bit of religious persecution up here, from wicker men to Presbyterianism. There’s nothing more attuned to the Scots heart than thin-lippedly savouring the pain of the unrighteous.
“Honestly we deserve Kate Forbes. Hopefully she’ll raise an army and launch crusades south of the border to smite the unholy in their blasphemous revelries.”
He added: “Prohibition, church attendance, compulsory Sunday closing, the outlawing of gaming and sex for procreative purposes only. Scotland’s back, baby.”