Six films that will rightly cause everyone to lose their shit if you admit you've never seen them

OUR society is based on the foundation that everyone has seen certain films and understands references to them. Without that? Chaos. You must have watched these: 

Titanic, 1997

What, so you’ve no idea where ‘draw me like one of your French girls’ or the ‘it’s been 84 years’ meme came from? You’ve no idea where Leonardo DiCaprio’s fixation with young women and boats came from? You’ve never suffered through Celine Dion’s operatic emoting? You’ve never seen the guy falling for ages then bouncing off the propeller?

Jaws, 1975

You really have no business having a job, friends, or a romantic partner if you’ve not seen one of the finest films by one of cinema’s greatest directors. If you have those things they’ve been obtained fraudulently and you should give them back. You cannot be considered or treated as a proper human if you’ve never seen Jaws. 

The Matrix, 1999

It has everything: a great concept, brilliant action, shitloads of guns. If you’re yet to see it, first mass text an apology, then call in sick and tell your boss you’re taking the day to watch The Matrix for the first time. They’ll understand and probably promote you for your honesty and dedication to what really matters. Don’t watch the sequels.

Star Wars, 1977

What must it be like, having not seen Star Wars? Blundering through the world with every second sentence going over your head? Looking blank when friends joke about womp rats? Knowing that you could rectify it all in two fun hours, but choosing to continue a benighted, ignorant existence? Why?

Shrek, 2001

It’s not that it’s good, particularly, though it’s alright and at 90 minutes you won’t get bored. It’s that we’re now on the second generation for whom this is a cornerstone of their youth, Smash Mouth, Hallelujah and all. It’s like growing up in the 1950s not knowing about the war.

The Godfather, 1972

Everyone’s seen The Godfather or lied about having seen The Godfather to save face. It’s the basis of 50 years of Mafia movies, Al Pacino’s career and the Olivio adverts. If it’s discovered you’ve never watched it, nobody should speak to you ever again. That’s called omerta. You wouldn’t know, you prick, because you’ve never watched The Godfather. 

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Twat Londoner has favourite Tube line

A DICKHEAD Londoner has felt the need to decide on and share his favourite line on the London Underground.

Jordan Gardner, who moved to London from Telford three years ago, endlessly compares the vibes of different sections of a largely homogeonous mass transportation system.

Colleague Steven Malley said: “I once asked whether he got the bus or the Tube to work. Ever since I’ve been locked in a debate about which seat cover patterns are coolest.

“One time he spoke for 27 uninterrupted minutes on whether the Northern or Victoria line is hotter. He didn’t need anyone to respond. He was having a whale of a time just being f**king delighted with himself.

“I had to block him on social media post-Elizabeth line. Apparently ‘the stations are cool but technically it’s not a complete line while you have to change at Paddington.’ I learned this against my will.

“It’s like he’s combined the worst parts of being a hipster with the worst parts of being a trainspotter. Finsbury Park is not ‘a total vibe-shift’, Jordan. It’s no more or less than an interchange.”

Gardner said: “You guys have got to try the Waterloo and City line, do you know it’s only two stops? That’s so wild. Only in London!”