Scottish police to look like dicks either way

SCOTTISH police have confirmed they will look like big fascist knobs if they arrest JK Rowling and limp little willys if they do not. 

Officers north of the border are making the tough choice between storming the Rowling castle to arrest an author against the prime minister’s wishes, or being humiliated by a ginger who makes up stories about wizards at boarding school.

Detective inspector Will McKay said: “This new hate crime act puts us in the position of being twats whatever we do. So thanks for that.

“On the one hand we have perhaps Scotland’s most internationally famous person jeering at us on social media. Traditionally we’d go in hard, 24 or so of us in riot gear wrecking shit, but it must be remembered she’s got more money than God.

“On the other if we just sit here while she flings shite at us from up in her fancy tower then we look weak, ineffectual and are failing to enforce the law, which will be hypocritical when we steam in on some other bastard whose tweets we dislike.

“Either way, we’re now being asked to referee every row between twats on social media while continuing to police a nation of drunks, hard drug-users and easygoing sectarian violence. Great.”

Rowling said: “Isn’t anyone going to arrest me? I was going to call myself the Misgendering Martyr.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Do your in-laws secretly think you're a twat?

THEY were pleasant enough to your face this weekend, but do they mean it? Or did they start doing mocking impressions of you the moment the door closed? Find out: 

How did they greet you?

A) Hugs and kisses, delight, enquiries about what’s going on in my life where they’ve remembered everything I told them last time, couldn’t be more pleased to see me
B) A polite handshake because they’re reserved like that, and then often they’ll leave me alone in a room which is fine, if I wanted a cup of tea I could ask for one

Did they cook you a meal? 

A) We tell them not to go overboard but they do every single time, a table groaning with roast lamb, all the trimmings, and homemade roulade to finish
B) Yes, well they put pizzas in, and garlic bread. They do cook but only when my wife visits without me there. I presume they worry I’ll be too judgemental

Did they get you an Easter egg? 

A) There was a whole egg hunt set up for us, running around encouraged by them to find all these clever hiding places. ‘Should have known you’d end up with more than anyone,’ my father-in-law quipped admiringly
B) Yes, and it doesn’t matter that it’s Aldi because they do really excellent eggs. Moser-Roth is actually a leading continental confectionary brand

How was conversation? 

A) Flowed beautifully. ‘I forget how you get after a few glasses of wine,’ laughed my mother-in-law as I animatedly told her about my work colleagues
B) They’re not very chatty, not even with their own flesh-and-blood, and everything I say is followed by a long silence as if they’re taking it in. Good listening is an art

Who paid for your wedding?

A) They did. Insisted on going the whole hog, big reception, live band, the lot. ‘Such a shame it had to be him,’ I thought I heard them say on the day, but actually they’d said ‘that we’ll never do it again’ and I’d misheard
B) We did. Said it would teach us a useful lesson about taking responsibility. Anyway, they’d already paid for her sister’s wedding the year before, which was massive and cost loads

Do they visit you much?

A) No, they like to give us our own space, though they’re always straight over to help when I’m away on business trips. And they make sure I leave before I get back so as not to crowd me
B) Not much. There always seems to be a reason why they can’t make it, whether it’s ‘we’re worried the dog might be ill’ or ‘we’re expecting a parcel that day unfortunately’


Mostly As: Your in-laws put up a good pretence but clearly hate you, your face, your boring diatribes about the office and your selfish, greedy ways. But they’ll never admit it, so who cares?

Mostly Bs: Your in-laws barely even bother to hide how much they hate you, treating you as a weapons-grade dickhead they will resent until their dying day. Luckily the feeling is decidedly mutual and suits everyone.