Seven terrible things about London, the city I hate, by mayoral candidate Susan Hall

LONDON mayoral candidate Susan Hall has been criticised for a campaign based on ‘dog-whistle racism’, unhinged attacks on Sadiq Khan and appearing to hate the capital. Here she shares a last rant before losing.

The Tube

Only a sadist would make Londoners travel underground like mole-people. Why can’t we just move the Tube up to ground level, so we can see the sun? Because Khan hates ordinary Londoners and wants them to suffer. That’s why stations have escalators to suck people in and grind them up horrifically when 300 steps would do the job just as well.

The Ultra Low Emission Zone

ULEZ isn’t a worthwhile scheme to reduce air pollution that 90 per cent of cars and vans are exempt from because they’re newer and greener. Every penny generated goes direct into Khan’s bank account, and it has an even more sinister purpose: Big Brother-style surveillance of everything Londoners do. How long before Transport for London turn up on your doorstep forcing you to have a mind-control chip or pay a daily £12.50 charge?

Ruthless censorship of tweets

Under Khan’s reign of terror, Londoners can’t even retweet a post praising Enoch Powell without being vilified, as I was. Is Khan so obsessed with ‘woke’ we are no longer allowed to appreciate fine orators like Powell, Laurence Fox and Hitler? Note: this is in no way endorsing Hitler. Although I expect the autobahns were less congested than Khan’s M25.

The Islamist takeover

London, or as it is now known, is a theocratic dictatorship where you have pay in virgins to go on the London Eye. And who is the ayatollah of this medieval mini-state? Khan, of course. You never see him in the same room as Iranian supreme leader Ali Khamenei, do you? They’re clearly the same person and Khan just pops on a fake beard when he’s back in Tehran. You may be sceptical about this, but it’s just as sane as my other comments about him.

West End musicals

They’re so predictably commercial these days, aren’t they? All based on proven things like Frozen and Fawlty Towers. What’s wrong with traditional musicals like Annie Get Your Gun, with popular entertainers such as Howard Keel? They’re probably not pro-Palestinian enough. I expect Khan has commissioned one for his vile antisemitic buddies, Fiddler on the Roof Gets Murdered by Hamas.

Street crime

Street crime in London is so bad you can’t go outside unless you’re driving a tank. And Khan’s youth projects are giving young people subsidised lessons in mugging and drug dealing, although I haven’t technically verified that. I myself had my Freedom Pass stolen by pickpockets, probably a gang of Romanians. Strangely they handed it in, along with my business card and £40. People have said all the evidence points to me just accidentally dropping the items, but the facts in my head speak for themselves.

American candy shops

I would ban these evil shops selling slightly unusual sweets people want to buy. Britons have enough problems without rotten teeth, and before Khan invited them to our shores Londoners never ate sweets, preferring a healthy carrot instead. But that’s a thing of the past, like everything else that was good about London. So vote for me tomorrow and I promise to get this wretched hellhole wiped off the face of the Earth with a Trident missile.

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