Six great ways the Tories can get out of this f**king mess

IT may seem to the Conservative party there is no easy way out of the complete shitstorm they have created for themselves. But there are: 


If a nuclear reactor can go from being deadly Windscale to visitor-friendly Sellafield, why not the Tories? Change the name to the focus-grouped Blue Harbour, dress MPs in Blue Harbour, refuse to answer questions about those dirty old Conservatives and their failed government, win a fifth term.

New leader bounce

Announce a new leader – probably Mordaunt, ITV viewers have fond memories of her in a swimsuit – and a general election on the same day. Ride those honeymoon vibes, refuse to release any policies then nick Labour’s, and pray that the public’s dumb enough to fall for it.

Ghost Britain

Nobody turns up to do Today on Radio 4. Nobody answers the door at Downing Street. The Commons is half-empty. Laura Kuenssberg’s WhatsApps go unanswered. Like the crew of the Marie Celeste, the Tories have simply gone. Say what you like about them. They’re not there.

Embrace socialism

Dull old safe-hands Starmer’s left plenty of room on the left, so take it. Claim to have learned such a harsh lesson from the last month that you’re fully converted. Promise to Just Stop Oil, full nationisation of all utilities, free trains, universal basic income, legal weed, 97 per cent top tax rate. Outflank the bastards.

Cut and run

Commandeer an aircraft carrier. Load it up with wealth. Loot the museums, strip the art galleries, liquidise every asset and turn it into gold. Get every Tory MP and Lord and donor on board and set sail for Brazil. Leave Britain to sort itself out. Show them what ingratitude gets you.

Stay in power for another two years not giving a f**k

Prime minister a fiasco? Hugely behind in the polls? Country in recession? Even the Telegraph questioning your sacred Brexit? Not your problem. Next election’s not until December 2024. Brazen it out, you never know, something might turn up. They can’t get rid of you whatever.

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Don't even f**king think about it

THE Conservative party has been advised to not even f**king think about doing the thing they are very clearly considering. 

As the government casts wildly around to escape its certain fate, the electorate has advised them that the obvious solution to their lack of a prime minister is the worst solution possible.

Carolyn Ryan of Tavistock said: “We know what you’re thinking. And absolutely not.

“I don’t even have to see him for the revulsion to rise up. I can have my back to the TV when the dishevelled prick appears and I still say ‘No’ in a stern voice, like to a dog eyeing a cooling pie on a kitchen counter.

“He had his chance. He f**ked it up with lockdown parties and hiring sex pests and lying about every little bit of it forever. If we turn our backs for a second he’ll be moving his wife’s gaudy furniture back in. Dream on. Before you start, the answer’s no.”

Norman Steele of Keynsham said: “We shouldn’t even be talking about this. It’s an occult Tory scheme to manifest him back into power with collective thought. Forget it. Accept it. He’s done. Move on.”

Senior Tory Denys Finch Hatton said: “Who? Why, it didn’t even cross my mind until you brought it up, but what could be more Churchillian than a disastrous second term?”