Air fryers serving up delicious meals of fried air

BRITAIN’S brand new air fryers are serving up delicious and healthy meals of fried air. 

The fryers are efficiently and cheaply cooking all that the country can afford to eat – the very air itself – using only a couple of teaspoons of oil.

Hannah Tomlinson of Goole said: “They are marvellous. The air goes in cold and unpalatable but comes out hot, smelling delicious and a great meal for the kids.

“They can’t get enough of it. They demanded helping after helping of lovely fried air to crunch down with lashings of ketchup stolen from the foyers of gastropubs.

“Of course there’s the initial outlay on the air fryer, which can be defrayed by ordering it from Amazon and saying your neighbour nicked it, but after that it’s amazingly cheap and unbelievably healthy. Meals are zero calories or, if you chew them for a while, even less.

“No, I couldn’t be without my air fryer. If I didn’t have it I’d be reduced to inhaling odours on the street for sustenance.”

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Hunt to give mini-statement on where and how Truss locked up

JEREMY Hunt is to reassure the markets with a mini-statement on where Liz Truss is being held and the security of the restraints used. 

The chancellor of the exchequer, who on Thursday was just some prick and is now running the country, will calm the markets and Britain by detailing exactly how difficult it would be for the prime minister to escape.

He said: “First, there’s the straitjacket and muzzle, each held with solid titanium German locks. The keys have been destroyed.

“The bunker below Downing Street, where Truss will remain sealed, has walls of reinforced concrete eight feet thick. The vents are too small for even a child to wriggle through. The door is sealed from the outside and has been welded shut.

“Guards loyal only to the Bank of England work in shifts outside, all deaf-mutes. There is no way Truss can leak even one destabilising, currency-crash-causing word to the economy.

“She will remain there, and remain prime minister, for the remainder of her term in office. This is in the best interests of the Conservative party and the country.”

Hunt is expected to be found dead in his office with his throat gnawed open tomorrow morning, and the bunker will be empty.