Slytherin party conference sneers at degrees in Harry Potter studies

THE annual Slytherin party conference has sneered at Gryffindor swots doing degrees in Harry Potter studies. 

The conference, which brings together ambitious, cunning wizards with no moral compass, saw leading Slytherin pureblood Andrea Jenkyns criticise Hogwarts for offering courses in that worm Potter.

She continued: “They could be studying poisoning, enthrallment, necromancy or any number of useful trades. But no, it’s all hero worship of Potter.

“‘He’s historically significant! He defeated Voldemort and saved the Wizarding World! There’s never been anyone as great as Potter!’ Grow up.

“What’s he done since? Held down a mid-level position in the Ministry of Magic, where he blocks bold Slytherin administrations achieving great things by calling it ‘dark wizardry’. One more civil servant.

“A Slytherin administration would provide an alternative. We’d open up study of the Dark Arts, train British Death Eaters to be the best in the world, and remove restrictions on unforgivable curses. Potter is yesterday’s news. Let’s get Britain moving!”

Hufflepuff Donna Sheridan said: “To be fair Potter is a twat.”

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Woman quits job to do exact same job for different people

A WOMAN has triumphantly quit her job to do the exact same job at a new location for marginally different people. 

Posting on LinkedIn about her ‘yearning for change’ and an ‘inspired reset’ in her ‘career journey’, Carolyn Ryan shared her joy at moving to an employer six miles away from her current employer to perform roughly the same duties for broadly similar dickheads.

She continued: “I’m thrilled to be moving to a new company for the purpose of some kind of career advancement, though the actual job’s entirely the same or I wouldn’t have got it.

“Yes, I’ll no longer be social media manager for A&S Public Relations, but social media manager for Starkey and Appledore PR!

“I work from home so that won’t change but the logo is different, the people are different – except for Tom and Emma who moved there last year from my old company – and it’s just such a step up. And they use Slack instead of Google Teams, so that’ll be a rollercoaster.

“I’m hoping to reinforce my areas of key competency, forge a strong working partnership with Tom and Emma, and to switch them from Google Teams to Slack. But still, I’m climbing the ladder.”

Friend Hannah Tomlinson said: “When she announced she’d quit her job, I thought she was writing a novel or becoming a trapeze artist or something. But no. Same job again.”