'Sorry I lost the house gambling, here's some flowers from the garage' say Tories

THE Conservative party has apologised for losing the house in a series of ill-advised bets by presenting Britain with a bunch of flowers from the all-night garage. 

The party, which has been making catastrophic bets and losing for the last 13 years until there is nothing left, is currently hiding the flowers behind its back before presenting them with a flourish and a sickly grin.

It said: “Who says I never do anything for you, eh? Eh?

“Bet you can’t guess what I’ve got behind my back here. Could be chrysanthemums, could be roses, could be… some other kind of flower, but either way it shows that I really, really care.

“Okay, I’ve made mistakes, I admit that. Since 2010 it’s been an emotional rollercoaster, and yes on paper we’re not in the strong position we used to be. But look! Flowers! Hang on, I forgot to take the sticker off.”

Britain said: “Sorry? You think this pathetic f**king gesture makes up for a 13-year losing streak? That this shitty little bribe can turn things around?

“You probably bought them on credit card anyway, I can tell from your face. And it was my credit card, wasn’t it. Thought so.”

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'Why are you in a mood with me?' woman asks traffic warden giving her ticket

A WOMAN has demanded the traffic warden writing her a parking ticket explain why he thinks it is okay to treat her like this. 

Francesca Johnson had illegally parked in a disabled bay for ‘less than an hour’ when she came back to find the warden writing a penalty notice ‘for no reason whatsoever’.

She continued: “Don’t avoid the question. What’s going on with you to act like this?

“Stop pretending this is about the car. We both know it’s nothing to do with the car. Why are you letting your mood impact on me like you’re doing, when you already know I’m having a terrible day?

“Bad enough I’ve had my boss acting out on me supposedly about the Q3 accounts but actually his marriage, then the girl in Boots totally attacking me out of nowhere for ‘not paying for that mascara’ when she was fully aware I’d meant to.

“Now this? Why me? Why now? I’m not accepting this ticket. You need to work out your own shit without taking it out on other people, okay? Take responsibility. And they call women moody.”

Traffic warden Martin Bishop said: “I’ve been in arguments like this before. It’s safer to just nod.”