THE Conservative party has apologised for losing the house in a series of ill-advised bets by presenting Britain with a bunch of flowers from the all-night garage.
The party, which has been making catastrophic bets and losing for the last 13 years until there is nothing left, is currently hiding the flowers behind its back before presenting them with a flourish and a sickly grin.
It said: “Who says I never do anything for you, eh? Eh?
“Bet you can’t guess what I’ve got behind my back here. Could be chrysanthemums, could be roses, could be… some other kind of flower, but either way it shows that I really, really care.
“Okay, I’ve made mistakes, I admit that. Since 2010 it’s been an emotional rollercoaster, and yes on paper we’re not in the strong position we used to be. But look! Flowers! Hang on, I forgot to take the sticker off.”
Britain said: “Sorry? You think this pathetic f**king gesture makes up for a 13-year losing streak? That this shitty little bribe can turn things around?
“You probably bought them on credit card anyway, I can tell from your face. And it was my credit card, wasn’t it. Thought so.”