Standing like a f**king weirdo: 15 to 20 other reasons Hancock should have been fired

NOT been paying attention to the news for the last few years? Here are all the reasons the health secretary should have been given the boot long ago.

Standing like a f**king weirdo right next to Wendy Maisey. It was before the pandemic but it still counts.

Having a head that looks like it was drawn on a balloon.

Sweeping people into care homes before they were tested with the stiff broom of his ignorance.

Owning and displaying that f**king weird portrait of the Queen.

Dropping the ball on PPE during a pandemic. Rookie mistake.

Then claiming there was never a national PPE shortage while nurses were forced to wear bin bags.

Allowing the Cheltenham Festival to go ahead in 2020.

Giving vital Covid testing contracts to his friends/local landlord/entire list of WhatsApp contacts.

The way he laughs.

Pretending to cry on Good Morning Britain. What f**king weirdo does that?

Having the demeanour of someone who asks questions at the end of a long meeting.

Literally running away from reporters asking perfectly reasonable questions.

Absolutely butchering ‘Don’t Stop Me Now’ during the Tory party conference. You can find it on YouTube but honestly don’t, it’s excruciating.

Thinking that wearing that little NHS pin badge makes him look like a decent human being.

Defending the proposed 1% pay rise for nurses.

Just being an oleaginous, slippery, snivelling, estate agent-looking shifty prick.


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Five moronic ways to use your phone

SMARTPHONES are incredibly intelligent pieces of technology which put the world at your fingertips. Here are some ways to use them like an absolute twat.

Speakerphone mode

You’re holding the bloody thing less than 10 inches from your head, so don’t bend your elbow a fraction and instead turn on speaker mode, irritating everyone within earshot with your dullard conversations. At least it’s amusing for others when your chat unexpectedly turns into an argument.

Shooting videos in portrait

From little Johnny blowing out his birthday candles to a once-in-a-lifetime event like witnessing a typhoon twister in the back garden, smartphones are brilliant at capturing the big moment – so long as you hold the f**king thing the right way round. Remember: your TV doesn’t show programmes in a narrow vertical bar.

Stupid Snapchat filters

You hold in your hand the technology to explore the entire world via the wonders of the internet, so obviously the best way to make use of this is to take ridiculous selfies sporting pretend rabbit ears or a halo of stars. Tim Berners-Lee would be proud of you.

Counting your steps

You’ve survived your entire life without the need to know exactly how many times you’ve put one foot in front of the other, so what’s changed? Make sure everyone knows just how clever you and your phone are by telling them you’ve covered 7,358 strides today, 236 up on your median figure for the past fortnight, then wonder why you don’t have any friends.

Playing tinny music

For all their ingenious talents, one thing smartphones are absolutely shit at is playing music – unsurprising given they don’t have proper speakers or even a decent basic subwoofer. As with all phone activities that make a noise, you should share it with the people around you.