Starmer's change bears uncanny resemblance to old-school Conservatism

THE promised ‘change’ that Keir Starmer keeps going on about is remarkably similar to old-fashioned Conservative values, people have noticed.

Voters digging into Labour’s ambiguous ‘change’ manifesto have been left confused as it seems to bear more than a passing resemblance to what the Conservative party stood for just a few decades ago.

Tom Booker from Stoke-on-Trent said: “Even if you squint you can’t tell the difference between Starmer’s Labour and pre-2010 Conservatism. It’s even being sold with the same bullshit slogans.

“There are lots of modest pledges that won’t amount to any real change, a continuation of the two-child benefit cap, and no intention to abolish tuition fees. I guess he’s trying to give the people what he thinks they want? Which appears to be a slightly-less-shit version of David Cameron. Great.”

Emma Bradford from Keynsham said: “Starmer’s change is like the stunt double of old Tory policies. Film it from the right angle and the two blend together seamlessly.

“Maybe it’s all part of a masterplan to get the public on side, then when he’s in power he’ll unleash his radical leftist schemes like free wi-fi and denuclearisation. Either that or he’s really just a centre-right suit who sadly looks progressive in the shitshow of modern politics.”

Starmer said: “I really am just a centre-right suit who sadly looks progressive in the shitshow of modern politics. Vote for me.”

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Heartbreaking: these Tory policies will never happen now, and nothing could be sadder

THE surprise election has doomed scores of Conservative bills that the public was really looking forward to becoming law. Every one of these is a tragedy:

Safety of Rwanda (Asylum and Immigration) Bill

Passed Parliament, passed the Lords, and eager Britons on both sides of the political divide were anxious to see it not really work in any way, but it won’t even make it that far. Sunak hasn’t come out and said so because it hurts him to see racists cry. In our hearts, though, we know it’s over.

Tobacco and Vaping Bill

The perfect balance of stopping others doing something while continuing to do it yourself, the bill has been abandoned by the Tories. Keir Starmer has promised to take it up after the election. Distressingly, based on his previous record of pre-election promises, that means it will die alone and unloved like a baby deer whose mother has been shot.

Renters (Reform) Bill

A bill which would improve rights for tenants and stop landlords treating them like cockroach infestations was close to Tory hearts, siding as they always do with the poor and downtrodden over wealthy exploiters. Which is why it took a mere four-and-a-half years to come to parliament and is now being ghosted like a Tinder f**k.

Football Governance Bill

Another darling of the Conservatives for promising to curb the worst excesses of capitalism it will never now become law, leaving them bereft and in mourning. All that lobbying, all that watering down, and for what? Nothing but free box tickets and ludicrously costly lunches for months on end. It’s no wonder they’re afraid to ever love again.

Human Rights (are for Pussies) Bill

The moment the Tory right saw this bill, nothing else mattered. Their eyes protruded on stalks, their tongues hung out, they were pathetically hard. To finally declare the sham of human rights over, using immigrants as an excuse, and return working conditions back to the good old days of the Industrial Revolution? How can they recover from losing that?

Scuttle Britain Bill

As yet unwritten, but implicit in the Johnson manifesto, was a promise to sell off everything remaining of value in the country, including its populace, and then sink it beneath the waves to stop Labour ever getting their filthy hands on it again. The perfect bill, the ultimate bill, the last triumph of Conservatism and now the dream is lost. Gutted.