Sunak aide's second bet on election was that Tories would lose

THE MP and aide to Rishi Sunak who placed a bet on a July election has placed a second bet on the result, but admitted he does not stand to win a great deal.

Craig Williams, member for Montgomery and Glyndŵr, won £500 from a £100 stake on the timing of July’s election but was unable to get good odds on a Tory loss despite knowing the campaign would be a shambles.

He said: “It’s frustrating. There’s literally nobody better placed than me to know we’d crash and burn in this election. And as a good Tory, it’s my duty to profit from it.

“But though I could get decent odds on the suicidal timing of the election, nowhere would give me a good price on a Labour win. The bookies aren’t close to Sunak, they don’t work in Downing Street. How could they possibly know how shit we’d be?

“The best odds I could get were 1/40, meaning for every 400 quid I lay down I’ll win ten. I took it, obviously, but it’s hardly a brilliant investment.

“I’m desperate for cash, because I’ll be out of a job in three weeks. Where am I going to find one that pays good money for basically sitting in the Commons mooing like an idiot?

“Obviously I have to be careful about betting on insider knowledge, but I’d definitely have a substantial bet on Rishi crying during a TV debate. It’s what he does most days.”

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Students learn nothing from school trip except Josh's mum well fit

PUPILS on a school trip have come back with no new knowledge except that a classmate’s mum is a certified MILF.

Parent volunteers were requested to help shepherd Year 8 students around a local clock museum, prompting Joshua Hudson’s mother Carolyn to join the worthy horology trip.

Pupil Tom Booker said: “I definitely didn’t want to go to the stupid clock museum. It’s boring and there’s nothing to ‘accidentally’ knock over or smash. Clocks are gay.

“But when we were waiting for the bus, this gorgeous woman strolls up. Tall, pretty, incredible tits – I thought she must have got lost on her way to an Instagram modelling job or something.

“Finding out she was actually Josh’s mum was mental. All I could think was, ‘Wow, Josh’s dad must be loaded.’ I thought some other things too but I won’t go into that. 

“All the lads were fighting over who got to be in her group for the walk round the museum. I’d definitely recognise a Victorian double-weight Vienna clock now, because she kept leaning in to look at one.”

Josh, who also went on the trip, has vowed never to let his mum chaperone another school event.

He said: “It’s Scouts all over again. I can’t take it any more, even the male teachers were salivating over her. I’ve told her she can only come to parents’ evening if she agrees to wear a bag over her head and body.”