Sunak pins hopes on new pandemic

THE prime minister plans to recover from today’s election results by launching a new pandemic and furloughing everyone.

Looking back to the peak of his popularity, Sunak is convinced his proven ability to reward Britain for staying home and doing f**k all will prompt a resurgence in the polls.

A Downing Street source said: “He’s sending grassroots volunteers across the world to eat, rub and couple with a range of exotic species to pick up whatever communicable diseases they can.

“Then they return home, attend a number of large indoor events  – if Co-op Live’s managed to f**king open by then – shag a wide range of people at all levels of society, and kickstart a pandemic which will travel the globe killing millions.

“Once everyone’s back indoors and terrified a reassuring Sunak will appear on TV telling everyone not to worry, to stay indoors, hands face space, all that shite and he’ll be paying everyone with money printed just that morning.

“New vaccine, gradual reopening of pubs, everyone hugely relieved, massive Tory win and we’ll worry about how to pay off £40 billion of additional debt later.”

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What employers want to see on your LinkedIn profile: A guide for Conservative MPs

ARE you a Conservative MP worried about job security? Learn how to stand out from millions of other jobseekers desperate for work with this guide.

A detailed list of your accomplishments

You’ll need to use your imagination and bend the truth a bit for this. In reality you’ve been doing bugger all for the last few years while collecting a paycheck from the taxpayer, but that’s not going to woo potential employers. Instead of writing ‘letting the rivers go to actual shit’, say ‘finding innovative ways to rewild faecal matter’.

A professional profile picture

Don’t worry about your profile picture being up to date, this isn’t a dating website. As you’re poised to lose your constituency, you’ll likely look anxious and teary-eyed, which isn’t a good look. Instead, grab a picture from 2010, when your future was bright and the world was at your feet. You looked confident, happy, excited, and lots of other emotions you haven’t felt for a while.

A self-aggrandising summary

LinkedIn is all about blowing smoke up your own arse and coming across as more impressive than you actually are. As a Conservative MP, at the time of writing anyway, this should come naturally to you. And if employers should ask how your impressive track record has led to unemployment, deflect and blame Sadiq Khan and his woke agenda. 

Endorsements from coerced friends

No LinkedIn profile would be complete without endorsements written by friends who have clearly been pressured into doing so with the promise of a free pint. Nobody is as impressive as these mawkish statements claim, but employers get a sick kick out of reading your friends’ bullshit testimonies. Whichever endorsement gets the biggest laugh usually lands the job.

A string of bullshit keywords

Ultimately, LinkedIn is an algorithm geared towards bollocks jargon. Stuff your page with keywords like ‘actioning’, ‘best practice’ and ‘bandwidth’ and you’ll be flooded with offers. Failing that, mention that you studied PPE at Oxford and you’ll effortlessly land a cushy job which pays a fortune. How else do you explain the politicians the country has been cursed with recently?