Changing leader again would be funny, Tories assured

THE electorate has reassured the Conservatives they would find a change of leader both desperate and hilarious.

Following a night of election results as hysterically dreadful as anticipated, the Tories are unsure whether a new leader would help or hurt them electorally, but voters have advised them it would at least be amusing.

Nathan Muir of Hereford said: “Sticking with Rishi? Guaranteed loss, no laughs. Panicking, electing a total nutter and falling apart spectacularly? Guaranteed funny as f**k.

“Say what you like about Liz Truss, she was comedy gold. Boris was a classic British farce, all opening doors to reveal secret parties and trousers falling down, and Theresa May’s total lack of any sense of humour got funnier the longer it went on.

“But Rishi? Apart from being so petite there’s no laughs there, he’s just annoying. Contrast that with a futile attempt to win around the country by putting an incompetent like Badenoch in, blundering through the corridors of power? I’d laugh.

“Or Robert Jenrick, classic Brittas Empire material. Or best of all Suella Braverman trying to be the dictator she’s always dreamed of being while Downing Street collapses around her. I’m chuckling just thinking of her impotent rages.

“You owe us a laugh after the last 14 years. Let’s finish on a smile and then never elect you ever again.”

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10 albums that are best-selling because people are vacant, undiscerning sheep

FLEETWOOD Mac’s Rumours has been named the best-selling album of all time, so well done them. But many other LPs have sold tens of millions despite being f**king terrible. Like these:

(What’s the Story) Morning Glory, Oasis. Copies sold: 22 million 

‘Can we have some musical progression from Definitely Maybe, Noel?’ ‘No, fook off.’ A hugely-anticipated album, until everyone bought it and discovered it contained Quo-style toss like Roll with It, and the twat-with-an-acoustic-guitar’s favoured method of torture, Wonderwall.

No Jacket Required, Phil Collins. Copies sold: 25 million  

This 80s leviathan had a winning formula: make the tunes extremely mediocre, but also so bland most people didn’t violently hate them. Phil Collins is worth an alleged £350 million. A work of evil genius.

I Dreamed a Dream. Susan Boyle. Copies sold: 8.3 million

You can’t really knock Cry Me a River or Daydream Believer, but you can knock the granny-pleasing predictability of choices like Amazing Grace and Silent Night. It’s barely an album, really, more a Tunnock’s Tea Cake you can listen to. 

The Bodyguard: Original Soundtrack Album, various artists. Copies sold: 50 million

Whitney Houston warbles/shrieks a variety of songs, including Jesus Loves Me, but you only bought it for I Will Always Love You. You certainly didn’t buy it to listen to Kenny G’s tedious smooth jazz stylings on Waiting for You. With its success entirely based on the film, the dolts who bought it must have been gutted that Kevin Costner doesn’t do a tune.

Parachutes, Coldplay. Copies sold: 2.7 million

Not in the big league in terms of sales, but makes up for it in terms of mental distress caused to people who like good music. If you’re having difficulty remembering your Coldplay albums, this has the song Yellow on it. You know, the boring, whiny one? Sorry, that’s not much help, is it?

Hysteria, Def Leppard. Copies sold: 20 million 

The Leppard’s huge seller was based on two catchy songs that received massive airplay – Animal and Pour Some Sugar on Me – and a load of ‘whatever’ stuff like Women to bulk it out. Well, why make work for yourself, eh lads?

25, Adele. Copies sold: 23 million

Adele is frequently accused of only writing miserable, introspective break-up tunes, and you wouldn’t like to be the barrister trying to get her off that charge. The biggest hit on here, Hello, has lyrics that are surely the most distilled essence of pure terror for an ex-boyfriend ever: ‘I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet/ To go over everything?’ Sorry love, won’t be able to make it, my cat’s ill.

Greatest Hits, Queen. Copies sold: 25 million

Queen’s album of greatest hits is (A) cheating, and (B) not all that great. There’s the tragically unamusing Fat Bottomed Girls, and whimsical ones like Crazy Little Thing Called Love which just get in the way of cheesy bangers like Flash. Dispatch war rocket Ajax to bring back their royalties!

The Sign, Ace of Base. Copies sold: 23 million

How this anodyne reggae-tinged Europop sold so many copies internationally is a mystery – until you factor in its inoffensiveness. It didn’t matter if you were a 12-year-old in Mexico City without much musical taste, or a housewife in Dusseldorf without much musical taste, you could put this on and not be troubled by it, and that’s the mark of good music.

Titanic: Music from the Motion Picture, James Horner and Celine Dion. Copies sold: 27 million

What, you might wonder, is actually on this LP? My Heart Will Go On, obviously… and a load of film score tracks called things like Take Her to Sea, Mr Murdoch. If you were having a party for your worst enemies you could put this on and make them dance to incidental music like The Sinking.