Taxes up, services cut: your Brexit deal in full

TWO-AND-A-HALF years after Boris Johnson triumphantly led us out of the EU, how’s your own personal Brexit deal looking? Break it down: 

Taxes up

The Conservative government that brought you Brexit and hates high taxes regrets that, after 12 years of austerity, it’s going to raise taxes. Because they’ve been saddled with a bad fiscal reputation by the markets due to some impulsive decisions in the past which were kind of your fault.

Public services cut

More than a decade of cuts weren’t enough. Levelling up and all that needy Boris Johnson crap’s over. Libaries are closing, schools are switching to four-day weeks, anyone in charge of regulating anything’s already f**ked off. Please contact your local Tory MP if you see anything functioning so they can kill it.

NHS collapsing

Brexiters always knew the £350m on the bus was a lie, but not quite to this extent. Patients are stuck in hospitals, patients are dying in ambulance queues, nurses are on strike, foreign medics won’t come here and more cuts are coming. You have full sovereignity over your own health. Don’t get ill.

Bills through the roof

Inflation and energy bills are a problem everywhere but, like Covid, nowhere more than here. You’re facing up to a Christmas where the big treat will be putting the heating on. There will be blackouts. This happened immediately before joining Europe and is now happening straight after. Weird.

The pound’s worth bugger all

Unimpressed with our independence, the world has decided that the pound is worthless. As it can’t even buy you a quarter-pint of gassy lager in most pubs you kind of agree. Your holidays abroad cost a fortune, but to make up for it so do your holidays in Britain.

All the Brexiters have gone

Technically one’s prime minister, but all the Brexit zealots who howled us through years of anti-EU propaganda appear to have pissed off. Boris is holidaying between speeches, Farage hosts phone-ins on low-budget telly, Gove’s only in Cabinet for the alimony. Why? Surely this was going to be brilliant?

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How to get paid cash-in-hand for your middle-class job, by a white van driver

WORRIED about tax rises? Want to opt out of the whole system by getting paid in wads of grubby banknotes? White van driver Wayne Hayes explains how:

Get off the payroll

If you’re on the grid then the tax man’s got your number. Erase your digital identity with a quick email to IT asking them to take you off the payroll. If they ask why, give a suitably middle class excuse like it’s better for the environment or it’s for Ukraine. You people love that shit.

Work for a small business

Big companies attract way more attention from HMRC. Find a kitchen table business that needs help with SEO or business development or whatever wank you wasted three years and thousands of pounds on studying and milk them dry. Insist there’s no paperwork. Practice slipping out the back door in case the filth arrive.

Ask for your salary in a brown envelope

Preferably in unmarked tens and twenties, no fifties because nowhere takes them, every Friday rather than every month. Ideally get it handed over outside the office and out of view of security cameras, ie near the bins behind the canteen. Don’t leave a paper trail for the Inland Revenue to follow. If they can’t prove it they can’t touch you.

Blackmail your boss

Boss insisting you’re at an FTSE 100 company and brand managers must be paid through proper channels? Find leverage. Catch them in the act of sexual harrassment or fraud or if they’re too straight fit them up. Present them with the evidence and explain you’ll be taking your wage in cash from now on, and if it’s short you’ll cut them a fresh nostril.

Accept you’re a criminal

All that sounds pretty criminal? Yeah. Once you’re cash in hand, you’re outside the law. Stop paying for boring car insurance, don’t bother with planning permission, take zero accountability for your actions and have no respect for anybody. Oh and you can’t vote now, but that doesn’t matter because politicians are all the f**king same.