Teenager's radical political views fail to include bothering to vote

A TEENAGER who believes politics needs a radical shake-up by his generation is less interested in the boring bits like actually voting.

18-year-old Martin Bishop is passionate about the environment and the way his parents have “fucked things up”, but does not fancy spending several minutes on the internet filling in a form.

Bishop said: “We need a totally new way of doing things, like sharing out the money equally and stopping everyone destroying the planet. I’ve given it a lot of thought.

“But I reckon we can do it without shit like ‘registering to vote’. Yeah, right, like I’m going to give my details to the authorities so they can use cyber-surveillance on me.

“I’m fucked if I’m going to obey the rules and vote at my old school anyway. Education’s just about keeping the masses docile and it’s up a pretty steep hill.

“Also schools bring back unpleasant memories of my sixth-form tutor finally snapping and calling me a ‘lazy twat’. Fascist.”

Bishop is currently fighting for change by surfing political sites on the internet, although does not realise most of them are just conspiracy bollocks about the ‘New World Order’.  

He added: “Every generation needs its dreamers and I’m one of them. I got up at 2pm today.”

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How to pretend you haven't farted

DO you sometimes let slip a vile fart in the office or other embarrassing situation? Here’s how to get away with it.

Shift the blame
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Cause a huge distraction
Angrily start swearing about something unspecified. Colleagues will be so scared the fart may go unnoticed. If you’re in a car, start shouting madly about something – eg. “WHO WANTS TO LISTEN TO HEART FM?” – while surreptitiously winding down the window.

Act as if the person who smelt it is mental
If someone asks “Have you farted?” say no and look at them like they’ve lost the plot. If they don’t look convinced just tell them that phantom smells are often the first sign of a brain tumour.

Say you’re a vegan
If there’s nothing else to do but admit it was you, tell them you eat a high fibre vegetable-based diet because eating animals is a form of genocide. They’ll quickly leave you alone.