49-DAY prime minister Liz Truss has released a new book detailing her plan to save the world. Britain has notes:
TRUSS: “Her Majesty gave me two words of advice: ‘Pace yourself.’ Maybe I should have listened.”
BRITAIN: “Her Majesty gave me 21 words of advice: ‘Don’t immediately pull Britain into an economic nosedive costing us billions, putting hundreds on mortgages, dooming your party and your premiership.’ I realised she was one of Them and used my death touch.’
TRUSS: “Number Ten was infested with fleas. I’m not sure it would be rated well on Airbnb.”
BRITAIN: “Number Ten had been infested with liberal scum for decades. I immediately vowed to write a nasty, vindictive review on TripAdvisor because I am exactly that arsehole.”
TRUSS: “Unlike some, I hadn’t spent my time in the Cabinet plotting a leadership bid.”
BRITAIN: “Unlike some, I hadn’t wasted time doing my job. Instead I posed for photos in a variety of different outfits, like a limited edition Despot Barbie.”
TRUSS: “We’d finally delivered a package of tax cuts and reform that was going to signify a new era. Looking back, that afternoon was probably my happiest moment as Prime Minister.”
BRITAIN: “Looking back, I still resent Britain for putting its own well-being ahead of my happiness. It was selfish, short-sighted and frankly spiteful. You ruined it for me.”
TRUSS: “Little did I know the establishment was about to use every tool at its disposal to fight back.”
BRITAIN: “Little did I know that banks regard idiots announcing huge unfunded borrowing sprees to provide tax cuts for the rich much as they regard coked-up restauranteurs demanding 80 grand to install a rainbow waterfall in the main dining area, and jack up their prices.”
TRUSS: “‘Kwasi,’ I told him, ‘I’m being threatened with a market meltdown. This is f***ing serious.’”
BRITAIN: “At this point, I have tried to make out that I swear like a normal person. In reality I do so embarrassingly, using phrases like ‘piss me the f**k up’.”
TRUSS: “It was like a game of Tetris when you start losing control and the pieces are getting closer and closer to the top.”
BRITAIN: “I pursue a sensible, bottom-up policy with regard to Tetris, but the game continually sends me bricks that do not fit and only worsen the situation because it is controlled by a hostile establishment determined to bring down original thinkers.”
TRUSS: “Things had not worked out as I had hoped.”
BRITAIN: “I was the most disastrous prime minister since the war, cost ordinary people billions, and may yet be responsible for the death of the Conservative party. This was everyone else’s fault.”
