Ten Years To Clear Up My F**king Mess: Liz Truss's new book, rewritten by the electorate

49-DAY prime minister Liz Truss has released a new book detailing her plan to save the world. Britain has notes: 

TRUSS: “Her Majesty gave me two words of advice: ‘Pace yourself.’ Maybe I should have listened.”

BRITAIN: “Her Majesty gave me 21 words of advice: ‘Don’t immediately pull Britain into an economic nosedive costing us billions, putting hundreds on mortgages, dooming your party and your premiership.’ I realised she was one of Them and used my death touch.’

TRUSS: “Number Ten was infested with fleas. I’m not sure it would be rated well on Airbnb.”

BRITAIN: “Number Ten had been infested with liberal scum for decades. I immediately vowed to write a nasty, vindictive review on TripAdvisor because I am exactly that arsehole.”

TRUSS: “Unlike some, I hadn’t spent my time in the Cabinet plotting a leadership bid.”

BRITAIN: “Unlike some, I hadn’t wasted time doing my job. Instead I posed for photos in a variety of different outfits, like a limited edition Despot Barbie.”

TRUSS: “We’d finally delivered a package of tax cuts and reform that was going to signify a new era. Looking back, that afternoon was probably my happiest moment as Prime Minister.”

BRITAIN: “Looking back, I still resent Britain for putting its own well-being ahead of my happiness. It was selfish, short-sighted and frankly spiteful. You ruined it for me.”

TRUSS: “Little did I know the establishment was about to use every tool at its disposal to fight back.”

BRITAIN: “Little did I know that banks regard idiots announcing huge unfunded borrowing sprees to provide tax cuts for the rich much as they regard coked-up restauranteurs demanding 80 grand to install a rainbow waterfall in the main dining area, and jack up their prices.”

TRUSS: “‘Kwasi,’ I told him, ‘I’m being threatened with a market meltdown. This is f***ing serious.’”

BRITAIN: “At this point, I have tried to make out that I swear like a normal person. In reality I do so embarrassingly, using phrases like ‘piss me the f**k up’.”

TRUSS: “It was like a game of Tetris when you start losing control and the pieces are getting closer and closer to the top.”

BRITAIN: “I pursue a sensible, bottom-up policy with regard to Tetris, but the game continually sends me bricks that do not fit and only worsen the situation because it is controlled by a hostile establishment determined to bring down original thinkers.”

TRUSS: “Things had not worked out as I had hoped.”

BRITAIN: “I was the most disastrous prime minister since the war, cost ordinary people billions, and may yet be responsible for the death of the Conservative party. This was everyone else’s fault.”

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Female record shop employee under pressure to be attractive in alternative way

A WOMAN working in an independent record shop is feeling pressured to be extremely attractive in a quirky and unconventional way, she has confirmed. 

Hannah Tomlinson, aged 26, expected the customer base of Vinyl Fantasy to objectify her less than in her previous role at Wetherspoons, only to find herself judged for not wearing black-framed glasses and thick hand-knitted jumpers in mismatched colours.

She said: “I prefer records because analogue has a warmer, fuller, sound. Which is a statement which hopelessly arouses half the hipsters on Bumble in itself.

“However, I find that the clientele is frequently disappointed that I’m blonde and relatively unpierced, and haven’t been shy in requesting me to get cherry-red Doc Martens, pink hair in a daringly spikey cut and a ring through my septum.

“Apparently blonde hair and a pleather River Island jacket doesn’t do it for them, and they’re only interested in tracking down an original Habibi Funk seven-inch if it’s sold to them by a girl in a tartan kilt and vintage roll-neck with a disarmingly offhand attitude.

“I don’t have time to be a manic pixie dream girl for 6Music listeners whose wives are no longer interested in Prefab Sprout B-sides. Anyway, like most independent record shops for the discerning listener, we make 70 per cent of our profits on Taylor Swift.”

Vinyl enthusiast Nathan Muir said: “A girl whose tough, punky exterior belies a yearning heart is as hard to find as Hüsker Dü’s Land Speed Record with the original inserts.”