BORIS Johnson is getting to know his new baby, Romy, and desperately trying not to think about the disastrous by-election result. Here he gives his advice on being a great dad.
Spend time with them
Invest time in this vital parental bond. Two or three minutes a day should do, or get one of your snivelling yes-man ministers to do it. Yesterday I got Raab to sit there going ‘ga ga, goo goo’ for two mindless hours. Actually he really enjoyed it and didn’t want to stop.
But don’t tell them about ‘the other ones’
To be honest, there might be dozens of siblings out there, but that’s no reason to make the latest batch feel less cherished. Anyway, they should just be grateful they didn’t pop out of that American bint.
Choose a name carefully
Stupid Carrie has insisted on boring, sensible Romy Iris Charlotte. I prefer the sort of names I gave my other kids, like Lara Lettice and Cassia Peaches. Everyone will remember them and the bullying will toughen them up. But most importantly they show that I’m a hilarious, zany, don’t-give-a-shit kind of guy.
Expect sleepless nights
A new baby means you’ll want to get away from it as much as possible. Your partner will go ballistic when you get in pissed at 1am again and moan on into the small hours, leaving you permanently tired. But when you have kids, it’s part of the deal.
Prepare for the ‘birds and the bees’ conversation
When they get older the sprog will ask where babies come from. Be honest but age-appropriate, eg. ‘When daddy loves mummy somewhat he still gets a tingle in his trouser snake and has to make a baby with another lady because condoms are like wearing a trainer on your donger.’
Learn to change a nappy
And I mean ‘nappy’ in the singular. I did it once in 1993 so I’m not technically lying about having done it, and it makes a funny story for Have I Got News For You if you massively exaggerate.
Teach them Latin
A dodgy knowledge of Latin really helps you bluff your way through life. As the Greek writer Tetrapak said ‘Quo vadis theodolite ipsos allegro sum’, which means ‘He who laughs last has no time to die’, I think.