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The Chagos Islands, and the two other things Trump knows about Britain

PRESIDENT Trump knows exactly three things about the UK and has forgotten three others. This is the full extent of his knowledge and ignorance: 

He knows about the Chagos Islands

When reminded, Trump is reliably furious the UK made such a bad deal on the Chagos Islands. He would have made a far better one, like he did with Iran or Canada. If negotiations are re-opened, it will transpire that Trump’s idea of a good deal is ‘the Chagos Islands are given to America. $350m compensation paid personally to Trump’.

He knows about immigration

Andy Burnham was, without doubt, berated by Trump for allowing immigration into the UK and what’s more allowing it over the last 50 years. He won’t have needed to respond. It was only a precursor to lengthy bragging about how the US has closed the borders and a subsequent tribute to the brilliance of one man, delivered by that man.

He knows about windmills

The third and final thing Trump knows about Britain is that it has windmills, and he hates windmills. He hates the way they might overshadow his golf course if he built one near it, he hates them not being oil, and he hates them for killing birds. Also, he may ban diesel exports from the US and if it cripples our economy that’s our problem.

He has forgotten about Brexit

To Trump, Brexit was an event that reflected well on Trump. It was never clear why. Over time, he naturally began to claim that Brexit was entirely his work while still not understanding what it was. Today? It’s as forgotten as anything else that happened in the last decade apart from the election being stolen. He remembers that.

He has forgotten that Scotland is part of the UK

Trump loves Scotland because he owns property there and because he thinks of it as a wonderful haven of white people. He visited it just a fortnight ago, except that was Ireland and he’s forgotten that’s a separate place too. If he was told Scotland was joining the UK, he would proclaim it a very good idea. And his idea.

He has forgotten Nigel Farage

Who wouldn’t? This is some guy who got a picture with you in 2016 wearing a blue suit and told you he was the next prime minister, but five prime ministers later still isn’t. There is not a synapse in Trump’s collapsing brain that remembers a single thing about Nigel Farage. His name, his face, nothing. He is so much luckier than us.

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Six fun workplace grudges to carry you through the week

BORED at work? Have you considered hating one of, or all of, your co-workers for reasons they would consider petty but you call unforgivable? This should get you started: 

Iain’s lunch had a mild odour

He sits within your line of sight and if that wasn’t bad enough, he dared bring in something more exotic than a cheese sandwich for his dirty little midday meal. And he made you watch. Begin with passive-aggressive sniffing and coughing, and glow with inner fury whenever he strays toward the microwave for eight years thereafter.

Marie used the printer for too long

Despite the fact that everything is now on G-suite, Microsoft 365, or East 17 these days, a fellow employee was at the printer the one and only time you needed to use it. Hogging it. Did she gracefully step aside when confronted with your urgent hover? She did not. So you must deliberately go slowly when she’s waiting behind you from now until 2032.

Louise laughed too hard at a manager’s joke

Pathetic little suck-up. Guffawing, in a meeting, when everyone knows they’re not for fun or productivity but to engender despair, self-loathing and the urge to put one’s hand into a blender. You would never demean yourself by trying to enjoy being at work and it’s well worth resenting that cow for doing so.

Connor drank the last of the milk

It may seem like a small, impolite accident, but this devastating betrayal is in fact worse than Kim Philby, Judas and David Harbour all combined. Two pints is more than a quid now. Act swiftly, rally others to your cause and judge what pitiful over-sweetened pseudo-beverage your nemesis wasted the precious liquid on.

Jill sat at your desk

Technically it isn’t your desk because hot desking. But while its ownership might not be recognised in a court of law, spiritually and emotionally it is your safe harbour and your home. And she thinks she can steal it? F**k about with her chair when she isn’t looking.

That girl who didn’t know who you were

That disrespectful intern is the epitome of why their generation don’t deserve jobs or to ever retire, with their f**king iced coffees. How dare they not recognise how supremely important you are? You’ll make sure that Ava, or whatever her name is, won’t go far. Oh, she’s left.

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