The confused person's guide to who - or what - Michael Fabricant is

MICHAEL Fabricant is in hot water after suggesting nurses and teachers would have drinks at work during the pandemic. If you’re only dimly aware of this strange Tory MP, here are all your questions answered.

What the f**k is wrong with his hair?

Yes, let’s deal with this elephant in the room right away. Fabricant’s strange, yellow, Lego person hair initially looks like a wig. But who’d stay in business making wigs like that? Fabricant has said he’s had an ‘enhancement of the follicular area’, so it appears to be some desperate hair loss procedure, possibly involving having a Flat Eric grafted onto his scalp.

So what’s this nurses row about?

Fabricant has recently turned into a staunch defender of Boris Johnson, like Nadine Dorries but fractionally less batshit. He claimed that during lockdown exhausted teachers and nurses were ‘going back to the staff room and having a quiet drink before they went home’. However, teachers and nurses said this was bollocks. 

Some probably had a drink after work, which is similar.

No doubt. But that’s not the bullshit picture Fabricant paints. And it’s an insult to compare nurses with Johnson, whose ‘job’ usually consists of dressing up as someone in construction, apparently to impress voters who literally can’t tell what’s real and isn’t, and must live in fear of Cyberman invasions.

What are his achievements?

Like so many MPs these days, mainly idiotic Twitter comments, including but not limited to:

Saying he couldn’t appear on TV with liberal journalist Yasmin Alibhai-Brown without ‘punching her in the throat’. Pretty normal thing to say about a 72-year-old woman.

Calling a teenage female constituent a ‘complete twat’ for questioning his work as an MP. You can guess who was probably in the right here.

Sharing a tweet of Muslim Sadiq Khan engaged in a sex act with a pig. Apparently he was ‘distracted’. Funny, isn’t it, how people who send prejudiced shit on Twitter never look at the screen properly on a text and image-based app?

Is there an element of homophobia in criticism of Fabricant? 

Unlikely as critics tend to focus on him talking rubbish and looking weird. He’s actually bisexual, so both chaps and ladies stand a chance of running their fingers through his hair. If that’s possible without getting your hand trapped.

How did he get to be an MP?

F**k knows. There seems to be a tradition of constituency parties, especially Conservative, selecting people normal society would consider to be worrying oddballs. Then everyone else only discovers their true weirdness later on. Thus it was with Fabricant, a keen Brexiter whose in-depth rebuttal of the economic risks was ‘bollocks’.

Brexiter, you say? He sounds like a ‘bit of a character’ who knobheads like me love voting for. He’s got my vote.

Yes, Britain is doomed.

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How to devise a f**ked-up asylum plan that appeals to horrible voters

BRITAIN’S furiously anti-immigration voters are already enthusiastically backing Priti Patel’s Rwanda scheme. Here’s how to get Tory types and empathy-free bastards on board with such plans.

Time it right

Just like comedy, a f**ked-up Conservative migration plan is all about timing. You can’t just introduce the idea of shipping asylum seekers to Rwanda on a slow news day, you need to wait until the party has monumentally screwed up and needs to cover its arse. Although that’s ‘most of the time’ right now.

Make it completely ludicrous

Gunboats in the English Channel won’t cut it. You need to think bigger. The perfect migration plan will involve a faraway country, be completely unworkable and cost a f**king fortune. Ideally it should be so batshit crazy that whinging liberals will think it’s a late April Fool’s joke and ignore it.

Link it to Brexit

Conservative voters will lap up anything so long as you link it to Brexit. By saying your f**ked-up migration plan lets the country take back control of its borders, the part of a Brexiter’s brain which controls critical thinking will be shut down and they’ll applaud like seals at the f**king circus.

Ensure it’s grotesquely severe

To a normal  person, the idea of deporting asylum seekers to a country with significant human rights issues is monstrous. But for anti-immigration loons this is wonderful as it will deter other migrants. ‘That’ll teach the young men to stay and fight,’ they’ll write cluelessly in the Daily Mail comments section from their comfy armchairs.

The more f**ked-up, the better

Years of the Tories turning up the xenophobia mean that only the most f**ked-up migration plans appeal now, like a massive dope smoker needing stronger and stronger weed. Christ knows what the next migrant plan will be – maybe making them live in cave systems in Peru until they turn into semi-blind cannibals like in a horror movie?