GOOD morning. When I am elected prime minister, it is my pledge to you that I will commit the following crimes:
Embezzlement – I intend to begin where our current leader will undoubtedly leave off and embezzle public funds for my own personal enrichment. I promise I will not relax my efforts until at least £45 million sits in my account.
Speeding – As lockdown fines are unavailable but are the equivalent of a speeding fine, according to the Daily Mail, I shall rack up many of these. Look for me on the M1, M6, M4, M62 and M8. The whole country will benefit.
Public drunkenness – Effective immediately, I give my undertaking to engage with the real Britain by getting hammered four nights a week. My blackouts will be legendary and my altercations with the police epic. I will become accustomed to awaking in cells.
Public urination – If Beergate is to be considered genuine, then why not Weegate? It is my promise to you that I will be arrested while relieving myself in a fountain within the Greater London area.
Murder – As the prime minister is now expected to commit crimes, you have my word that I will stand before the Commons with blood on my hands and say ‘At the time the knife went in, I was unaware that it would constitute a killing. I humbly apologise for that.’ The victim will be chosen by lottery.
Perjury – The politician’s classic, and easily achieved by lying during any of my trials for any of the above. I will be proud to be ranked with Jonathan Aitken and Jeffrey Archer.
Murder, treason, espionage, arson in the Royal dockyards and piracy with violence – If I lose popularity after the electorate judges my crimes ‘not as sincere’ as Johnson’s, and ‘only to get votes’, I will commit the big five former capital crimes in a single spree. And still lose to the Tories at the next election because you people are idiots.