Well that's us sorted for life, say Britons getting 400 quid

GRATEFUL Britons are relieved that the cost of living crisis is now over thanks to Rishi Sunak’s incredibly generous one-off payment of £400.

With the cash bonanza due in just three months’ time, millions of people are planning luxurious lifestyle changes such as being warm, not living off instant noodles and doing the washing up with hot water. 

Father-of-two Tom Logan said: “After worrying about every penny, we’re finally where we want to be financially. I said to my wife Clare, ‘If you want to put the oven on and heat up a Tesco lasagne, you do it. Money no object.’

“Obviously £400 changes everything, but we won’t forget where we came from. Last night we put the heating on and invited all our friends round to sit by the radiator. When you’re doing well in life it’s important to give something back.”

Nikki Hollis, 28, said: “Like so many of my generation, I’m sick of renting and want to get on the property ladder. What I’ll do is withdraw some of my cost-of-living payment and put down a deposit on a two-bed semi. It’ll cover that, right?”

However Wayne Hayes, 19, said: “Spend it while you’ve got it, I say. Tonight I’m having an extra-large doner, then tomorrow I’m going to my local Porsche dealership to see what they can fix me up with.”

Conservative MP Susan Traherne said: “I would remind Britons that the £400 is for gas and electricity. I’d have preferred that we pay it in instalments, say £3 a week, and only if you can prove you don’t smoke or own a TV.”

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How to not get dumped by a partner way better than you deserve

YOU know it. Everyone knows it. You’re involved with someone who’s way more attractive than you and it can’t last. But take heart – here’s how to postpone the inevitable.

Spend spend spend

Throw whatever money you have into boosting your low status. Overrated fashionable restaurants, designer clothes and a BMW you can’t afford are all good purchasing decisions. Then spoil your partner rotten until you run out of cash. It’s this sort of thing that a healthy relationship is based on.

Take the initiative

Turn the tables by threatening to dump your partner. Suggest that friends say you deserve better. This will bewilder your much-better half into believing you’re a great catch. That’s the theory, anyway. They may just be shocked by this unpleasant side to you and tell you to piss off forever.

Inherit money that may be fictional

Fibbing that you’re due to inherit a large sum of money may put your dumping on hiatus. Don’t worry about the ethics – you’re only lying because you fancy them, and what could be more romantic than that? Don’t get carried away though – claiming to be Richard Branson’s lovechild throws up tricky questions and may lead to nightmare scenarios like your partner thinking you’ll be pleased because they’ve engaged a lawyer for a paternity test.

Fake an illness or injury

It’s hard to chuck an ill person. But you can’t really choose a serious illness unless you’re a psychopath, and it’ll have to be something that doesn’t involve injections which might kill you. Unfortunately this only leaves you crappy ailments like a sprained ankle which will buy you two weeks at most, and man flu, worth as little as ten seconds. And irritable bowel syndrome just isn’t sexy.

Morph into one

Couples that wear matching clothes, have the same hobbies and finish each other’s sentences must be soulmates, right? Actually this is a risky strategy. Strangers will think you’re wankers, and if you go too far – eg. getting the same hairstyle – it may result in a restraining order.

Fabricate a more exciting side to yourself

Give the impression you lead a double life. Drop hints about working for the government, book a cheap EasyJet flight to Zurich and change your mum’s contact name in your phone to ‘Z’. Or pretend you were in the SAS despite being woefully unfit. Just one caveat – it’ll be pretty obvious you’re a sad fantasist, so make sure your partner is frighteningly gullible.