The disturbing new sex education curriculum, as written by Tory MPs

THE government is keen to politicise sex education, but should Conservative MPs be giving anyone advice on sex? Here is a worrying copy of a ‘learning resource’ they’ve created.

Always wear a condom when you’re groping someone

You might not think you can get an STI from unexpectedly grabbing a woman’s breasts, but she’s bound to want sex there and then because they’re all filthy little sluts who are gagging for it really. 

Note for teachers: Could lead to a useful discussion for female pupils about not being a frigid bitch?

It’s perfectly normal and healthy for your sex partners to kidnap you

There’s nothing unusual about a group of men you’ve met for sex kidnapping you and refusing to let you leave their flat until you’ve paid £5,000. One MP, Mark Menzies, says: ‘I was unsure about being blackmailed at first, but now when I hook up with dodgy people for casual sex I always have the number of someone who can bail me out with party funds.’

Avoid unwanted pregnancy by dangling your penis in a man’s face

This really is the best way to rule out the possibility of a sperm fertilising an egg. Former MP Peter Bone did it with a male member of his staff, and although it was serious sexual misconduct, no pregnancy resulted. Let’s all try to be as sensible and responsible as Peter, right, kids?

Make sure you haven’t got your partner’s consent

With 56 MPs from all parties currently being investigated for sexual misconduct, it’s clear that consent is an outdated concept which no one bothers with anymore. Who on earth wouldn’t want to have sex with a fat, sweaty, horribly arrogant Conservative MP anyway?

Being arrested is nothing to be ashamed of 

There are a lot of harmful myths out there about being arrested. All it means is you’ve got a healthy sex drive that makes you rape or sexually assault people. It’s perfectly normal, along with trying to get underage boys drunk. Former Tory MP for Wakefield, Imran Ahmad Khan, recommends gin. 

Note for teachers: Classroom learning on this topic could be supported by a field trip to the House of Commons for more attractive pupils? More than 100 MPs have volunteered to help, with more expected. 

Sex games can be fun 

There’s no harm in experimenting with sex games, such as dressing up or a saucy game of hide-and-seek. Charlie Elphicke, the husband of Tory turncoat Natalie Elphicke, chased a woman round his home chanting ‘I’m a naughty Tory’. Although she failed to see the fun side and regarded it as a terrifying ordeal. As did the judge, who jailed him for three separate acts of sexual assault.

Don’t pressure your partner to do things you see in online porn

Remember that although it involves real actors, porn is a fantasy. Don’t assume your partner will want to try anal sex, bondage, or other sex acts you see when you’re browsing porn in the chamber of the House of Commons like Neil Parish MP. Poor Neil was only looking up tractors, which shows how easy it is for China to keep putting porn on innocent MPs’ phones.

The correct meaning of ‘no’ is ‘yes’

Women always mean ‘Yes, definitely have sex with me’ when they say ‘No, get off’. This is because they are silly little creatures who don’t know their own minds. Although oddly it also applies to men and boys you want to have sex with too.

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Assassination while Europe teeters on brink of war 'thrillingly retro', says world

THE world is feeling a warm glow of nostalgia thanks to the uncanny historical similarities that can be read into the shooting of the Slovakian prime minister.

People are experiencing fuzzy tinglings of familiarity after the assassination attempt near the Balkans that took place just as tensions on the European continent threaten to escalate into all-out war.

Norman Steele from Leeds said: “It’s politically motivated and everything, just like last time. You’ve got to admire the attention to detail.

“A cynic would roll their eyes and tell history this storyline has already been done, but if you wait long enough then everything has its time again. It’s not that different to flares and mullets making a comeback when you think about it.”

New Zealander Nikki Hollis said: “I’m so happy to be living in a pre-war era. I wasn’t born when Europe last mobilised but it’s all my grandparents ever talked about, so it must be excellent.

“These days we’re meant to be scared of global warming or killer viruses, so it’s great to see the classics still have mass appeal. And global conflict is going to be so much better now we’ve all got cameraphones.

“Updating all the antagonists for modern audiences was a smart move too. You don’t want the World War franchise to get stale.”