The Labour supporter's guide to celebrating not doing as well as expected

ACHIEVED questionable election results? Not sure how to express yourself? Labour voter Martin Bishop explains how to celebrate.

Selectively interpret the results

Instead of focusing on the negatives, read through the mixed results with a positive attitude. You might not have done as well as you predicted, or even as well as the Lib Dems, but not losing too many seats is a victory, right? You beat the Greens. No one can take that away from you.

Act like it’s 1997

Your limited gains are akin to the landslide of 1997. Who cares if there are two long, punishing years until the next general election? A Labour triumph is assured so you may as well kick off the festivities ahead of schedule. There’s no way you’ll look back with embarrassment on getting prematurely hammered to D:Ream.

Don’t look at the North

The North is a strange, unpredictable hinterland ruled by the savages of its new Blue Wall. Don’t waste your time thinking about their strange needs or what their continued support of the Tories could possibly mean. Focus on the enlightened inhabitants of the South instead. Not the backward, inbred hicks of the South West, obviously. You don’t want their vote.

Focus on London

Taking three symbolic London councils from the Conservatives is cause for celebration. Especially as the rest of the country looks to the capital as a model of how to behave. Before long, even the most Brexity small towns will decide to vote Labour as they sip frappuccinos in their gastropubs. 

Rest on your laurels

Tell yourself Labour has reached a historic turning point and the Tories are on the way out. This means supporters can kick back and relax. The hard work is done and the only possible danger is Starmer coming up with bland, uninspiring policies and the Tory press giving him a kicking. But what are the chances of that?

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Tory heartlands now a load of Northern shitholes

THE natural voter base of the Conservative party is now Northern shitholes where they would not deign to set foot.

Wealthy, desirable areas like Westminster and Wandsworth no longer want anything to do with the Tories, but they continue be popular with low-life scum Tories despise in pits of depravation like Amber Valley, Lincolnshire and Bolton.

Conservative party chairman Oliver Dowden said: “We are now the party of desolate former industrial towns where troglodytes scrape by on three part-time minimum-wage jobs.

“We went to the best schools. We held six-figure City jobs straight from Oxford. And now the only constituency we appeal to is the voter filling his basket with Asda Smart Price goods, while Labour has all the nice seats with a big Waitrose.

“I went through Bolton on the train up to the Highlands last year and I lowered the blinds in first class to avoid having to see it. But these are now my people. They are the only ones who believe in me and my kind. Dear Lord, what have we become?

“We were hoping to win Sunderland. Imagine sinking that low. Imagine wanting to appeal to vermin like that. And they rejected us while Labour wins Mayfair. I have died and awoken in hell.”

Steve Malley of Hartlepool said: “Aye, I look at the Tories and see the dregs of society who lie to everyone and watch porn at work. I vote for them because they’re just like me.”