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The next seven occasions where the audience will be shocked and horrified by the sight of a Palestinian flag

THE sight of a Palestinian flag at the opera, of all places, has left Britain trembling and terrified at where they might see one next. Fear these events: 

Les Miserables in the West End

Nothing could prepare audiences at this musical about downtrodden peasants revolting against their oppressors for the intrusion of politics. A flag flying over the barricades which wasn’t the nice, neutral tricoloure could draw unpleasant parallels, ruining their evenings. Tickets cost three figures. They do not deserve that.

An Oasis gig

The UK’s Summer of Oasis, a largely religious event, still has seven Wembley gigs to go. What if a flag is thrown on stage and picked up by the proudly apolitical Gallaghers? The seismic shock to a crowd expecting nothing but a celebration of Britpop and lager could stop them enjoying Cast No Shadow if that wasn’t where they all nipped for a slash.

The 2025 Labour Party conference

Imagine the horror of delegates enjoying sensible fiscal policies if they were forced to see this dreaded flag share a stage with members of His Majesty’s government. Imagine the even greater horror of those on stage confronted with this divisive symbol and their subsequent arrest for being part of Palestine Action.

A protest outside a migrant hotel

Another event which has no party affiliations whatsoever, being convened only by hard-working ordinary families seeking to protect their children. ‘Us? Political?’ they would ask in alarm, pausing from their peaceful pursuit of throwing stones and flares at police. They would slink home in shame.

A pornographic video

Approaching a cheerful and neutral climax during the closing minutes of a PornHub video when suddenly, when it’s too late to stop, the red, green, white and black appears? Your ejaculation an irrevocable endorsement of this cause? Why, you’d never orgasm again.

Avatar: Fire and Ash, released this December

A $250 million blockbuster using the latest in 3D CGI which unexpectedly, in the distance during a crowd scene, shows this petrifying flag? Only visible in freeze-frame videos shared on social media? The story of the Na’vi’s fight against a massively superior force would be forever sullied.

Christmas

Surely even the left would draw the line at ruining Christmas. All flags should be safely tucked away during this time of peace and goodwill to all men, inspired by the noble self-sacrifice of a man from Bethlehem. Nothing could be more inappropriate.

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So-called clever graduates look like f**king idiots in their stupid gowns

UNIVERSITY leavers who claim to be smart all look incredibly dumb as they swish through cities in their ridiculous twat’s gowns.

Academics who have spent three years reading dense books and passing difficult exams are flaunting their apparent intelligence by parading through city centres in robes and mortarboards that make them look like complete morons.

Onlooker Wayne Hayes said: “They could just as easily pick up their degrees in jeans and a T-shirt. If they don’t realise that they must be thick as shit.

“I’m no intellectual, but £50 to rent a garment that guarantees you look a knobhead when you’re already 50 grand in debt seems like a foolish move. I’d understand if they looked sharp and celebrated something useful like getting your forklift licence.

“But what do I know? I’m just an ordinary guy who got his City & Guilds plumbing qualification via email while watching Pointless in my underwear. Perhaps it’d make sense if I were earning far less and had to make loan repayments for the next 30 years.

“And my brother’s a brickie and he says no way could you mix mortar on one of them boards.” 

Graduate James Bates said: “This is the proudest and most humiliating day of my life. I’m so glad it’ll be captured in a photo that will stay on my parent’s mantlepiece forever.”

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