The softer side of Hitler: How to teach according to government 'balance' guidelines

WONDERING how schools will teach sensitive topics in a non-biased way? Read the government’s new advice for tackling thorny subjects.

The softer side of Hitler

Everyone tends to focus on Hitler causing the most horrific war in history. To show his softer side, teachers should highlight his delicate watercolours. And did he buy lots of chew toys for Blondi? Maybe we’ve jumped to conclusions about him being ‘evil’.

Edward Colston’s notable statue legacy

Woke teachers always claim that being a slave trader is bad, but Edward Colston left a notable statue legacy. Any lesson about how he bought and sold human beings must also mention how he put Bristol on the map in 2020 via the arts. Really he deserves another statue to recognise his contribution to the British statue industry.

The economic benefits of global warming

Soaring temperatures and rising sea levels are often taught in a negative light, which does students a disservice by ignoring global warming’s massive economic potential. Once the planet has been knocked about by nature then first world countries such as Britain will be able to sell goods like food and water for a premium. This is a good thing and don’t let snowflakes tell you otherwise.

The cool consequences of the patriarchy

Everyone agrees feminism is a fun little idea but it’s gone too far. There’s nothing wrong with women having the vote, but do we really need a fifth series of The Handmaid’s Tale? No. By contrast, the patriarchy has given us wonderful things like action movies and cars. Any lesson about the Suffragettes should include Top Gear.

15 minutes of daily Boris worship

Any religion except Christianity should be banned, with an exception for mandatory Boris worship. Pupils will praise his portrait and be reminded anything negative they’ve read about him is lies by our enemies. Teachers who refuse to lead the ‘Hail Boris!’ chant will disappear in the night. To ensure balance.

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How youth culture has objectively got worse and it's not you being old

DARE to criticise youth culture and you’ll immediately be accused of turning into your dad. But what if some aspects have genuinely got worse? Like these…

Porn has lost its mystique

Porn was once an adventure to snaffle the Kay’s catalogue without your mum noticing, or a rare treat thanks to horror of buying it at the newsagent’s. Pity today’s youngsters who can gorge themselves on extreme porn 24/7 and probably find actual sex boring as a result.  

Playing music out loud in public 

Nothing to do with your age. Someone is either playing it for the attention, or an unwilling listener. Background noise and interruptions make it hard to enjoy anyway, and doesn’t listening to it on the bus to affluent Kingston upon Thames remind you you’re a suburban teenager and not a gangster?

The slang is incomprehensible

Calling everything ‘ace’ wasn’t a high point for the English language. But now there’s an overload of obscure, ephemeral street slang. If you’re using terms like ‘bando’ or ‘chinging’ you may as well be one of those twins who invent their own impenetrable language. But without the twin.

The music charts are bollocks now

Today’s charts are derived from streaming and questionable algorithms, leading to abominations like Ladbaby’s sausage roll song or Ed Sheeran having seven crap singles at the top of the charts simultaneously. Plus the nation is no longer united by Top of the Pops, although bringing it back is a big ask now.

The TV isn’t f**king weird anymore

TV aimed at youngsters used to be deeply strange and/or f**king terrifying. In years to come, ex-young people will just agree Shaun the Sheep was good, instead of discussing the mental scars left by Raggety from Rupert the Bear.


Sending unsolicited sexual images is apparently popular with teenage boys. It may be their idea of a laugh, or their hormone-addled brains believe a girl will see a picture of a bukkake party and somehow conclude ‘Cool! I’d better go out with Jaycen right away!’


Definitely a retrograde step. Now you can bitchily pile on to a classmate until their self-esteem is utterly crushed. It makes your childhood tormentor Gavin look like a chivalrous knight of the playground, who offered you a fair and reasonable chance to avoid a beating by repeating ‘I am a homo’.