The terms and conditions of Rishi Sunak's meal voucher offer in full

IN the chancellor’s giveaway bonanza, Britons can eat out in August with the government footing the bill. There are, however, certain conditions in the small print.

Meal offer does not include alcohol. Food eligible for the offer must be consumed with a soft drink, either warm milk or cheap orangeade, at the special coronavirus price of £6.95 per glass.

Offer only applies between 2.45pm and 3.05pm. That’s on Mondays, Tuesdays and Wednesdays. The government reserves the right to switch this to Thursdays, Sundays and Bank Holidays at short notice. To check eligibility, sign up with, open from mid-August, then generate an ID code which will be sent to you in 5-10 working days.

Diners must order special ‘Rishi Dish’ to qualify for discount. This select dish will consist of whatever didn’t sell the week before and is in danger of going off. May also be liver or tripe.

Diners must stand up and join in with three cheers for Boris Johnson before eating. They might also choose to clap in gratitude for a minute before sitting down to eat. This is not compulsory but restaurant staff are required to spit in your food next time.

Vegan options not available. Vegans feeling unfairly treated by this are advised to vote Green at the next election, or for some similar party of sandal-wearing plant-munchers. 


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Harry and Meghan's guide to finding worthy things to do all day

ARE you a wealthy celebrity couple with time on your hands? Here the Duke and Duchess of Sussex explain how to fill the empty hours with good causes.

HARRY: I like to get up early and search the internet for causes that haven’t been done yet, like the almost-extinct Indonesian Spider Turtle. Those cute little guys, with their eight hairy legs and massive fangs. Aw.

MEGHAN: I’m currently focusing on Black Lives Matter, but once we’ve solved racism I’ll stop climate change. Thunberg’s had her chance.

HARRY: I’m getting quite into the exploitation of African countries by the British Empire, because it was basically my relatives who did it. Sorry guys. So once we’ve been served lunch and my PA and driver arrive, I’m right on the case.

MEGHAN: It’s really important to raise the profile of less well-known causes, and if we can use our celebrity status to do it, why not? And let’s face it, Suits isn’t coming back and it would be weird if I was in it now.

HARRY: I feel the best way to address injustice is to sit awkwardly in front of Skype, leading to embarrassing speculation that Meghan may be forcing me to do it, which is nonsense. The truth is I’ve got literally nothing else to do.

MEGHAN: I’m glad you feel that way. Now look directly into the webcam and stop checking your bald patch in the little box.

HARRY: I’ve been reading a lot about the plight of Eritrean share-croppers and… shit, Chebby’s calling from my old regiment! He’s in town this weekend! Great, we can go and get thoroughly wankered.

MEGHAN: Not this weekend babe, the Obamas are over, remember? We’re discussing motivational nudge strategies to enfranchise the underclass. And comparing our Netflix deals.

HARRY: F**king hell.