The Tory voter's guide to being betrayed yet again

THE government has once again reneged on the manifesto that swept it into power, like it always does. Practised Tory voter Wayne Hayes explains how to handle it:

Rewrite history

Embrace your denial by insisting that you actually voted for tax hikes back in 2019. When friends and family call you out on your bullshit, simply laugh and say they must be thinking of someone else. Just like the master, Boris himself.

Slam the opposition

Yes, this tax rise breaks a promise that the Conservatives made to the people, but that doesn’t mean it’s their fault. If anything we should be pointing a finger at the Labour party because they don’t have a credible alternative plan. Or for an easier target, blame the Lib Dems.

Remember the good times

Amid the pain of betrayal it can be hard to remember why you’re in this toxic relationship. Spend a while recall all the amazing memories you’ve made together, like when the Tories offered the NHS a pitiful pay rise, when Johnson said he’d let bodies pile high in their thousands, and of course Barnard Castle.

Practice self-care

I know, it sounds like hippy nonsense, but treachery can damage your mental health. Improve your well-being by reading The Telegraph in the bath then going fox hunting while listening to stirring military music. You’ll be dehumanising migrants again in no time.

Vote for them again next time

Giving duplicitous behaviour your unwavering support is the best way to break out of a cycle of betrayal and misery. What else are you going to do, change your behaviour, endorse a party that’s more sincerely aligned to your needs, and risk your life actually improving? Sounds horrendous.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

How to be a sunburnt wanker during the heatwave

THERE’S an unexpected heatwave, so as a Briton you have no option but to overdo your sun exposure. Here are the best ways:  

Claim British sun is different

There’s no way the sun here is the same strength as Ibiza because we’re further from the equator. So no need for sunscreen, spend 12 hours out in it just to get an even tan to last you through winter, then spend the next two days in bed sweating, shivering, and whimpering when the sheets touch you.

Wear inappropriate attire

Lads, if you take your top off but still wear a baseball cap, turn it backwards. Ladies, make an impression by wearing those new strappy sandals. That way when you burn yourself lobster-red, the design will still be visible in your flaking flesh for months after.

Expose stupid bits

A late heatwave is the perfect time to tan flesh that rarely sees daylight. If lying face-down expose your arse cleavage to an unexpected dose of radiation, and don’t forget the soles of your feet. Lounging with your hands behind your head is a great way to scorch underarm skin. Get creative!

Ignore warning signs

Your skin will send you all kinds of messages while you improve your tan: itching, blistering, unbearable inner heat. Dismiss them and claim your persistent vomiting is down to norovirus, not sunstroke. It’ll be worth it when you peel off your entire epidermis like Greggs pastry to reveal the shiny new you.

Get pissed and fall asleep

All Brits know hydrating with large amounts of alcohol when sunbathing helps in two ways: first, it numbs the pain of being roasted and second, alcohol promotes daytime sleep which enhances tanning. To measure your progress always leave your phone or a book on your chest for instant contrast.