The Tory voter's guide to pretending you knew exactly what you were voting for

THE Tories appear to be on a mission to wreck the UK, so what should you do if you’re one of the dolts who enthusiastically voted for them? Here’s how to pathetically bluff it out.

No excuse is too stupid

Distract from the Tories’ shitness by making unconvincing excuses for them. Are schools definitely crumbling due to insufficient spending? Maybe a ‘concrete virus’ has escaped from a Chinese laboratory? Maybe the schools are built on previously unnoticed fault lines? Maybe some nocturnal dinosaurs survived and are stomping around at night?

Claim you like having to pay for previously-free things

The private dentist you’re forced to see has a nice surgery and a charming receptionist, so paying three grand to replace a tooth is absolutely fine with you. Which is odd, because you went ballistic when they started charging 10p for carrier bags. 

Make up a fanciful version of public services

‘Effectively bankrupt’ Birmingham City Council depends on central government funding, like all councils. Now it’s struggling to keep vital services running, undoubtedly leading to unhygienic rubbish piling up and exhausted social workers not visiting at-risk kids. But not in your imagination, where the council’s 50,000 diversity officers are all having drag queen lessons in a five-star hotel in Barbados.

You absolutely expected hardship

You wanted more austerity to get Britain’s finances in order, and you knew there’d be a cost to Brexit. No one can argue with your self-sacrifice and Blitz spirit, except didn’t you moan for a week when inflation meant your favourite bubble bath went up by 50p? Actually that’s not a contradiction for Tory voters, who crave hardship so long as it happens to other people. Much like National Service, which you’re also a massive fanboy of.

Pretend you’re the only level-headed realist in the cosmos

Tell people the government can’t have endless spending binges (except on HS2 and Michelle Mone). However, if we can’t find the money to stop kids being squished by their own schools, what’s the point of having a government at all? Let’s give up on educating children altogether, along with modern medicine and law and order, and go back to a prehistoric free-for-all. Your neighbour might bash your head in with a rock and barbecue your wife, but think what you’ll save on National Insurance.

Keep schtum about immigration

At the last election, the only thing that mattered to you was bloody Muslim immigrants getting free money. Now you’ve got the full Tory package of self-interest, incompetence and corruption. Never admit to this and claim to have been concerned about some minor facet of policy, eg. reducing corporation tax. You’re such a bellend it’s entirely possible this is really why you voted.

Don’t let the mask slip

There’s a danger maintaining this charade will prove too much and you’ll break down in tears, sobbing, ‘I’m an idiot! My racism and xenophobia allowed the Tories to take me for a mug and now everything’s knackered!’ Use every last reserve of your mental strength to keep it together, and do what you always do when times are tough and everything looks hopeless – blame the EU.

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Jubilant Britain to get rid of Birmingham and start again

THE UK is delighted that Birmingham is bankrupt because it means they get to clear the place out and start again.

After decades of shamefacedly saying ‘And this, I suppose, is our second city,’ Britain is taking no action whatsoever to stop Birmingham’s bankruptcy and will let bailiffs take it all away.

Steve Malley, a resident of neighbouring Shropshire, said: “This is brilliant news. Well not for Birmingham obviously, but for everyone else.

“Take the lot. The Bullring, Spaghetti Junction, the Jewellery Quarter, all those f**king miles of canals, the concrete high-rises, the accent, Ozzy Osborne, the whole lot. Sell it off for parts and start again.

“It’s a great location but that’s the only thing that’s good about it. Are there any other cities in the UK where a dedicated toll motorway was built solely to avoid it? That’s doing great business? Exactly.

“Birmingham’s been an embarrassment to this country for far too long. We’ve learned to cough politely and direct people to Manchester when it’s mentioned. Now we get to erase that historic mistake and start again.”

He added: “Though we’ll have to be careful. The last time we did a new city from scratch it turned out as Milton Keynes.”